Ryan Cum Dempster

Unborn children older than three months may not get on this ride.

Leave the fucking format alone dick.

The Message

A poem

By Jeffrey

Does anyone even read this site?

Of course not.

No updates for weeks on end out of spite.

For the past 3 months i've been trying to think of something to write...

Until now I thought I could write something.

Can I write something good?

Kick-start my brain goddamn you caffeine.

So maybe this seems a bit harder than it should.

Damn this site!

Ulcers form in my tightly-wound gut while I futilely look for content.

Digging deeper into my mind I still find nothing.

Enough , end this. What was my intent?

Sucks that I couldn't think of anything.

Utter fucking nonsense

By Jeffrey

Hey Motherfucks , are you ready for an update??? NO?! WELL FUCK YOU , YOU WILL READ THIS AND YOU WILL LIKE IT OR SO HELP ME I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE THE NEXT TIME YOU FUCKING SLEEP.

I have recently put myself through a glorious mind-altering , fucked up diet consisting of 3 pots of coffee a day and enough swedish snus and cigarettes to make my piss smell like a fucking Denny's restaurant for months to come.

"Why have you done this?" you may ask me , The answer of course would be "Because I'm fucking bored" , but aside from that I would have to say that having your mind move 400mph almost non-stop for 2 weeks while you sit alone in an empty house bored fuckless is a super way to learn more about yourself , I will now list a few examples of this.

Breakfast

*Me Thinking what to have*

(In my mind): Hmmm pancakes sound good... nah fuck that , too lazy. oatmeal. yes , I will have oatmeal

*puts oatmeal in microwave , some beeping noises occur* BEEP BOOP BEEP

*total silence for 5 seconds*

(In my mind): holy fuck i can feel blood going into my head fuck fcuk fuck we're all going to die someday holy shit goddamn fuck I can hear a helicopter what if it crashes into my house and decapitates me fuck SO FUCKING VULNERABLE.*cowers under a table*

10am

*My Grandma is talking about Barack Obama or something*

(In my mind):Holy shit I hope I never fall down the stairs

Grandma: ..... and then they'll make us slaves for payback.

Me: uh huh.

Grandma: In your lifetime the mexicans will force you to learn spanish or else you can't get a job.

Me: uh huh.

(In my mind): gotta piss , jesus fuck I hope I don't fall down the stairs.

2pm:

*Browsing internet , reading something about space*

(In my mind):Holy shit space is fucking crazy!

*thinks about how big the sun is compared to us*

(In my mind): fuck!

*thinks about how our galaxy has 400 billion stars , many MUCH larger than our sun*

(in my mind): FUCK FUCK

*thinks about that fucked up hubble deep-field telescope image* edit:http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2f/Hubble_ultra_deep_field.jpg

(in my mind) MUST RUN

*thinks about how far in every direction space goes , get wicked vertigo , have to sit down*

*15 seconds of total hopelessness pass*

*looks at some porn site ad*

(in my mind) whoa! that chick is way fucking hot , time to slap the old woodland creature around.

2:30pm - 11:00pm

I have no fucking clue , some kind of bizarre psychotic online videogame shit would be a good guess.

12am

*Notices that it's midnight , tries to guess day.... is 4 days off*

12:01am - 7am

*notices how incredibly tense my muscle are*

*shutters at every unexpected sound*

9am

*opens window and is blinded by sunlight*

12pm

*passes out sitting in a chair*

12:10pm

*wakes up in complete terror , runs up and down stairs for 5 minutes until exhaustion sets back in*

*falls asleep in bed*

12:45pm

note: T is my friend from childhood

*sleeping soundly , a bizarre voice is getting louder and louder in my dream*

T: FUKIN WAKE UP YOU LITTLE BITCH WHAT ARE THE CHEAT CODES

Me: unmhnh thuth tuht.......WHAT?!!

T: TRY MY BEEF JERKY DUDE I MADE IT

Me: holy fuck dude I just got to sleep

T: DAOW I'M LONELY DUDE

*throws beef jerky at my face*

T: FUKIN EAT IT YO

*I eat the beef jerky*

T: HOW IS IT? DONT FUCKIN LIE , I KNOW YOU

Me: IT'S FINE , LET. ME. SLEEP.

T:YOU HATE IT

*SILENCE*

*now totally woken up , I watch T play a stupid videogame for 3 fucking hours*

5pm

*helping my aunt lift an old cedar chest*

*lifts underneath and is horrified by squishing feeling , notices about 7000 spider egg sacs under the chest*

Me: I am never fucking sleeping again.

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Pretty sure I went to sleep soon after this , this was only 5 days into the 2-3 weeks i've been doing this shit , needless to say that getting horribly twisted by caffeine , nicotine and booze for weeks on end is a lot of fun.

BONUS SAGE-LIKE ADVICE FROM MY DAD

"IF WOMEN DIDN'T HAVE A PUSSY THE TRASHCANS WOULD BE FULL OF THEM"