FunnyBrew Reviews - Steve Martin is Not Gay- Born Standing Up

I've always thought the less I know about something before diving into it the better I will think it is. That being said I knew way too much about this book and had extremely high expectations going in. I was left with a very flaccid dick as I found out in this book that Steve Martin is not gay. I was definitely expecting more humor as I have read his fictional books and was thinking of Steve naked the whole time. The pictures in this book were not revealing at all. I want to have sex with Steve Martin.... but not Steve Martin the weird looking hippie. I'd give this book the finger.... right up Steve's Ass. It earns 46 out of 72 virgins in heaven... all of which are apparently straight.

FunnyBrew Reviews - Lars and the Real Girl

This is a severely underrated movie, I saw this movie several months ago but must say it sits in my memory like a sex doll that is yet to be fucked. Ryan Gosling (the pile of feces from "The Notebook") Really brings the crazy in this one. He plays a delusional guy that falls in love with a sex doll. It's funny, but I must admit to feeling a bit sad at times... even though this butt-nugget was in love with a sex doll...bizzarre and highly recommended 66 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven.

FunnyBrew Fwod - Chug - Chinese Underage Gymnasts - Haiku included

Chug - one of those underage Chinese gymnasts.

Example sentence: "I Dined at the Y with a chug."

...Not sure why people decided these girls look young... All Chinese people look the same. Whether they are 15 or 60, male or female. Okay I'm only kidding I love All people and the Chinese are no different.... but seriously they all look the same.... but I love 'em... but they look very similar.

Extra food for thought here: I know I'm only about 2.37 inches erect... but... I'm yet to see a well endowed Chinese man.... and I watch a LOT of porn.


Chinese Haiku

Ping pong pow spoon drop
Rockin test tube baby Yao
Damn that dick is small.

FunnyBrew Reviews - Pineapple Express

I done saw this shit on Saturday and must say it fucking disappoints me...at least in the beginning . I think the average 15 year old pothead would think this was the greatest Goddamned thing since dry-humping your girlfriend until your chaffed dick starts bleeding. However, I thought the beginning of this movie was slow, and not really entertaining. That being said, when people started dying I started laughing my ass off. Maybe I'm just that twisted... because other people were laughing at the beginning, and not so much at the deaths... I guess it's just kinda funny to see Seth Rogens fat ass beat up on people. Anyhow, I would say this is a pretty decent flick and give it 56 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven.

FunnyBrew Reviews - Bob Saget Roast

Mostly because I'm not a creative person I have decided to start posting reviews of other "funny" shit and raping small kittens (so tight). Anyhow, being that the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget was tonight I figured I may as well start with this turd. It certainly gave me a boner to see all these members of full house again... and I was thrilled to hear some half-assed famous person use the phrase "You got it dude" in a reference to raping an Olsen twin as I have been trying to bring back "you got it dude" for at lease a month or two now. Anyhow, the majority of this roast was pretty funny, although it's highs were not quite as good as the roast of Flavor Flave... It's lows weren't quite as bad either, although, Norm Mcdonald should've had his dick put in to a pencil sharpener for his shitty performance. Anyhow this is definitely worth checking out if your channel surfing and it's on. I'd give it 61 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven. It would have scored higher if Stamos and that old bag would've fucked.

Edit: It turns out Norm's jokes were all originally Bob Sagets. Which is kinda funny.

Barack Rick Rolled

Barack Obama's never gonna let you down. Okay, honestly just the music video by itself makes me laugh.

Go Favre Away From Here

The pic is so nice we had to use it twice.... I figured as a blogger that considers himself a sports fan I should probably post something about this lifelong fudge-unpacker Brett Favre. One can only hope the Madden curse lives on here. It'll teach this cocky hick to shut up and stay retired. Anyhow the way I see it he's got three options.

1. Play behind Rodgers until week 3 when Rodgers is hurt.

2. Get traded to the Vikes and have every Pack fan hate him for years.

3. Cry himself to permanent sleep because no one wants his old addicted to pain killers ass on their team.

What'll probably actually happen is that the once Green Bay Packer aka "fudgepacker" will become a Tamba Bay Buccaneer aka "fuckinqueer"


Fun Fact:
You can make any team name a little gay by adding ass before the nickname.

• NY AssGiants
• AZ AssCardinals
• OAK AssRaiders
• DAL Asscowboys - probably my fave

They should have a NFLGAy ...the sole function of this association would be to kill puppies.


By the way... ain't nuttin wrong with being a lil gay. (we know you fuck dudes)

Supermans Dead

A quick "tip" on how to be a dick....

Talk shit about all religions with no remorse.



That being said, if you fear God but still fuck around a lot... I have found the answer for you.................................Blankets! That dude can't see you touching yourself unless your uncovered and your wiener is pointing towards the heavens.

FWOD:
Gryptonite - being able to stroke it under the covers cause god can't see.

Messy afterbirth.... is underwear the equivalent if a dick blanket? Cause I jerk off in the car a lot.

Stolen by Point Guard

I recently "stumbled upon" this joke... I seem to know a lot of these people.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

If you click the title of this story there is a link to a couple other good jokes.

Racial Slurs

So, I was watching the Godfather last night and decided my new favorite line in a movie is when Robert Duvall is called a "dago, guinea, wop, greaseball goombah... kraut, mick friend." by the movie producer. It serves as a great refresher that the more racial slurs that are in a movie... the better it is.... or maybe the slurs had nothing to do with it... I'm undecided... Anyway it's a highly reccommended line, and movie... and if you haven't seen it yet you should tatoo a vagina on your dick... because it is no longer of use to you.

PS if you're offended by any of this don't be, as I'm a dumb honkey... and NOT a racist... I just think we need to laugh at ourselves from time to time... "we're the all singing all dancing crap of the world" - Brad Pitt, Fight Club

Funny Haiku - CakeFart - Poo

CakeFart... we laughed Hard,
Baked goods and a nekked ass,
Great sounds... won't make lard.

Poopular Proverbs

• Better to be safe than................................Stupid.

• You can lead a horse to water but...........can you lead Jon's Jewish ass away from money?

• Don't bite the hand that............................just wiped an ass.

• No news is...................................................Jeff's life.

• A miss is as good as a.................................2/3rds of a Mr.

• You can't teach an old dog new.................ways to lick itself.

• An idle mind is.............................................about to watch some porn.

• Where there's smoke there's.....................pot, 'round most of my friends.

• Happy the bride who..................................has had premarital sex.

• A penny saved is.........................................a penny wasted when you're dead.

• Two's company, three's..............................boiyiyiying.

• Don't put off till tomorrow what................you could probably tap today.

• Children should be seen and not................Fucked.

• If at first you don't succeed.........................poop on it.

• Never underestimate the power of............DracuLee --- show me your teet(h)s.

• Better late than................ having that awkard aborted fetus hangin around.
  

Act of God

This warranty is not transferable. This warranty does not apply in cases of abuse or misuse of the product, use contrary to Shure’s instruction, ordinary wear and tear, an act of God, negligent use, purchase from a party other than Shure or a Shure-authorized reseller, unauthorized repair, or modification of the product.

This is a real warranty, from shure.com

Do People really think that God came down and wrecked their headphones??!?

Top Reasons "AD" Doesn't Post.

• He's too busy trying to locate his miniscule penis.
• He hasn't finished his last round of golf as he has 11,236 strokes and counting.... Give him a break, it's a par 71 course.
• He's embarassed what his kids might think.
• His Xbox 360 has not broke yet... leaving him no time for anything else.
• He's less creative than Freddie Mercury... and that guy is dead.
• He probably "shouldn't have drank so much"
• It's his turn, He's pissing.
• Maybe he has a life... although I'm seriously doubting that.
  

Best Holiday Ever

Okay, so I'm not a big fan of most holidays. They're usually a bunch of build up for just way too much let down. It's like dropping a dookie on your school teachers desk chair when she has stepped out of the classroom.... only to have her find it before sitting in your shit... Someday, someone will become your poopsibling* okay, anyway... The best holidays are the ones you create for yourself, now if you're like Mr. Blueveins, well you create that personal holiday everyday. Congrats good sir. Anyhow, Just wanted to give props to the jolly fat bastard John Madden... for bringing me hours of joy every mid-August for the past 20 years.

Here is a timeline that I have planned for August 12, 2009. (pretty similar to the last 20 years)
12 am - Go buy madden, a frozen pizza, lots of Mountain Dew... (already stocked on beer)
12:15 am - start playing madden.
3 am - have my franchise ready to be started.
6 am - done playing, off to bed
6:07 am - playing again "can't sleep" - it's a fucking lie... just can't justify being up that late/early
9:33 am - Fall asleep, one too many beers... controller still in hand
1:52 pm - Wake up, I feel like shit... probably should shower (I don't)... look at the TV... happy there is no burn in.... Fuck... I'm at my own half yard line thanks to several hours of "delay of game" penalties... Cool it's 3rd and 78 ... well, better finish this game!
2:17 pm - unable to recover from my 3 and 78 fiasco... I lose my second game of the season
2:18 pm - Start making a pizza
2:25 pm - it's not done yet, eat it anyway
2:28 pm - back to Madden thank christ I don't work today.
11:59 pm - still playing
4:02 am next day - I'm asleep... no doubt getting called for delay of game penalties.
The next work day starts around 1030 am... I can't wait to get home and play madden before the work day even begins.
Moral: fake holidays are better than the real thing usually... but the day after sucks.
* FWOD - Poopsibling = much similar to a blood brother or sister... except you smear poo on eachother instead of blood...

Blasphemy

What did Abraham say to Jesus?



...I'm older than you, Bitch!

Oh God Yes

Okay, one more NBA thing only because I know every Minnesotan is pissing blood because they are so happy this fine summer day. Marko Jaric is no longer a member of the T'wolves!!!! Go tell it on a mountain! Some team was ignorant enough to pick up the 21 million left on his contract, not to mention the almost 10 mil on Antoine Walker's for OJ Mayo? MN picks up the number 5 pick of the draft (Kevin Love) and probably the best U.S. born white player in the NBA (Mike Miller) ...Memphis proves once again that they should never make a trade... this team will be terrible for sometime to come. This is seriously the best day in MN since Jesus rose from his grave... or buddha did whatever it is that buddha do. Jesus God I am so happy!

Dumber Down

The Dumbest things I remember (at the moment)

5. Believing that the touching the heating controls in a car would cause would cause the vehicle to rollover.

4. Someone using Clearisil to brush their teeth in the morning.

3. Thinking that the tag line for Heman was "I am Tired"

2. A girl I dated not knowing who fought in the American Civil War. (she was a brainiac I tell you!)

1. Another girl I dated telling me that "Counting is not math." At the time this girl was student teaching...(mathematics)

*Disclaimer - the current girlfriend is the smartest yet. I'm a firm believer that her IQ is greater than that of a raped ape's.

My best friends fuck toy...

And he used to be mine? I love KG, its too bad this wasn't in MN. Congrats on finally doing something with your life. (winning the NBA finals)

Another NBA haiku (WOOHOO)

You wanna crown him? Then crown his ass!

Keving Garnett Haiku
Made Kobe come limp,
you giant Neanderthal chimp,
fucked Pau... Thanks and Wow

Baby Jesus killer (haiku)

I recently watched some fucked up footage on abortions... and it got me to thinking... I should write a haiku.


Is abortion wrong?
Nine Baby Jesus comebacks,
Foiled by brain sucking.

The Exploding Head

Here's how my friends react to a neighbor committing suicide... Rather amusing if you ask me....Which you didn't.... fuck off.

A:What the hell happened ?

J:Dude committed suicide , shot himself in the head..
My mom heard some gunshot and saw the dude looking all fucked up in his backyard , cops came and set up a bigass corpse hiding tent thing.
The whole fuckin street was a morbid crazy circus of excited neighbors.
Got to see tunas wife , seems nice enough.

A:Awesome ! Did she try to eat the brain chunks ?

J:my mom IS known for her insatiable lust for human brains , sadly that would've fucked up the crime scene.
When me , tuna and his wife were checking out the corpse tent from my backyard my grandma came out and said "OH WOW CAN YOU SEE THE BODY????" loud as fuck and i way fucking laughed in front of my neighbors.

How to be a dick - choppin broccolli

Here's some funny and great bad advice for the workplace!

The "Brenda has a poopy butt."
Okay, this one is so easy a woman could do it. (It's what's called a joke ladies, go smash some more Oreos if you don't like it.) There are only a few steps to being well on your way to getting your coworkers to want to put your head in a vice.
1. Pretend to be a likable person.
2. Get to know your coworkers, or pretend to and just get their family members names (significant others are typically best.
3. Every day, hell maybe even once an hour, bring up how their significant other has a "poopy butt" ............for example "Say, Peter, did you know Brenda has a poopy butt?"

Extra pointers:
- If you can call this coworker at home just to tell them "Brenda has a poopy butt" you may cut down on the amount of times you must say this during the work day.
- You've gotta do this in a joking matter as to not get you head exploded in a vice... pretend to be friends with this coworker... even if the sight of him/her makes you want drink bleach.
- Get creative, own the "poopy butt"... if you're on vacation theres no telling how much this coworker would love a "your significant other has a poopy butt" postcard!

Fun fact:
I actually did this to some poor son of a bitch before...he was a really cool coworker and I was really just doing it for laughs... but it got to a point where the guy had to ask me to stop. I don't really remember how long this went on afterwards...

The hair around the dick trick

Some banter from a Gmail conversation between myself and Jeff.
[23:29] don: how longs your hair now?
[23:29] Jeff: tunas dad used to call him honey all the time it creeps me the fuck out
[23:29] don: past your ass crack yet?
[23:29] don: that's fucking bizzare
[23:30] Jeff: further than my neck now
[23:30] Jeff: from front
[23:31] don: sexy gay
[23:31] Jeff: can totallly touch my balls with my hair if i try
[23:31] don: haha, so you have tried?
[23:31] Jeff: i bet i could tie my hair around my dick with some effort
[23:31] Jeff: yeah just now
[23:32] don: boneriffic
[23:32] Jeff: not my naked balls or anything
[23:34] don: awww, sad

Fuckin yuck

First off, my apologies as it seems I have mistakenly missed a "mundane detail" in my last entry... It should be know that in the props section Eric should be listed as "Straight Eric" or Erik without the k... ever notice k and gay rhyme? I sure did....cut your nails for Christ! If not for christ then for Tibet.... And yeah, I could go back and edit the last entry... but someone needs to tell that asshole to cut his nails!

Alright, now that's out of the way, Let's get down to business.

We've had a request for An Obama-Clinton debate, like the boc vs bod... except no one ever gave a shit. The fact is niether are George W. who runs the country like a 6 year old runs after I show him/her my penis... Anyhow, here's the breakdown.

Obama:
1.) With a name like that he should know where to find Osama (you mean Saddam had nothing to do with it?!)... to bad after he finds him they'll just hang out and play Xbox together.
2.) To quote Samuel L Jackson "nigga fell through that!" ... I presume this means we'll get to see him fall through a greenhouse... Probably because of some piece of white supremest trash though... not due to giving a foot massage to Marcellus Wallace's wife.
3.) He does not have a vagina. (It's the 2/3rds factor.)

Clinton:
1.) If you banged the prez you wouldn't necessarily be gay. *
2.) You could jerk off onto still images of the prez and not necessarily feel gay. *
3.) If you rolled up that still and stuck it up your butt breaking your Buhymen... you might not be considered gay. * **
4.) Bill would be back in the spotlight, and could maybe fuck himself another intern.... maybe a good looking one this time eh Bill? ...maybe Billy just likes the uglys.... it sure seems that way.





FWOD
Buhymen= your butt hymen dumbass.
*=(assuming you're a man, man) **=(you're fucking gay)

Faceoff

I forget what I was going to write about here...

I think it had something to do with vaginal secretions... oh, yes, right... It's a debate... tonight a bag full of dicks squares off against a bag full of cum! I'm definitely all about more arguments being sent in by our readers send 'em here!

Arguments for bag of cum: fwod=boc

1. You can slap it across somebodies face and hope it explodes. (water balloon)

2. It's a thirst quencher, quick easy access to electrolytes.
3. If you think about it, this is just a bag full of dead babies.
4. If you're very patient and resourceful you can harvest a bag full of dicks out of it. (assuming the cum is still alive.)
5. no sharp utensils needed to enjoy. (a fork/knife may be needed for a bag of dicks)

Arguments for bag of dicks: fwod=bod

1. assuming this is a functional bag of severed dicks you get all of the benefits of the bag of cum... just not as fast. (elbow grease required... vasoline optional)
2. If you pleasure them, they will grow.
3. no goopy cleanup if spilled.
4. now your slut girlfriend can finally be pleasured by you. (or your gay boyfriend)
5. can be kept neatly in paper or plastic.


Shout out to Adam, Eric, and John for supporting arguments.... let me know if I missed anything fellers.

Most hated woman celebs

3. Hillary Clinton: This one is actually pretty well documented, and knowing her husbands past of using non sexual objects in a sexual manner really makes you wonder if she should be number one this list.
2. Britney Spears: I can't believe babies have made it out of there alive. Along with her mental issues this chick has one filthy cunt.
1. Rosie O'donnell: Given that lesbians usually keep their snatches pretty clean this is a bit of a surprise. This woman has a cunt like Lisa Lampanellis mouth.

disclaimer: this list is not an accurate portrayal of vaginal cleanliness... however is an accurate portrayal of how much I can't stand these women.

National Feces Day!

It's the 10th annual National Feces day, A day to make poop jokes, "accidentally" overflow toilets, and shower unsuspecting mouths with the brown pudding that flows from societies collective anus. So "let no poop be left behind" if you waste your poop by simply flushing it down the toilet on this joyous occasion shame on you. Poop on a floor, smear it on the wall get creative!
If your unsure what to do with you droppings, find the nearest SNL member and force them to eat it. Allow them a tasty beverage to wash that poop down. God bless, and let there be a poop rainbow to show that we will never again drown our poop in water.

How to be a dick in three easy steps

By Jeffrey

As a few of you might have picked up from my last few articles , I am a dick.

Being a dick may not seem like something you would like to strive for in life , the reason for this is because you are too fucking stupid to be a dick.

Here are a few tricks that I've picked up whilst being a dick for the last 10 to 20 years.

1. Never Forget Anything.

Remember that time your friend fucked a fat chick? How about that time your cousin tried to cut off his own dick with a butter knife? No?? Well I sure the fuck do and will be sure to mention it at the most inopportune time that you can possibly imagine , during the awkward silence that inevitably happens after I tell your new girlfriend that you shit all over an elementary school playground slide on purpose when you were 16 , I will picture myself riding a horse over your grave and kicking its stomach until it shits all over your tombstone.

2. Subtle Insults. aka the "Does baby Jeff want to go home" step.

This one shouldn't be used on anyone that you know who gives horrible beatings.

The first step to this one is finding out what annoys the victim.

The second step is nonchalantly employing this annoying behavior every five to ten minutes until everyone in the room wonders what the fuck the other person is getting so pissed about.

The third step is to play the victim and act like you have no clue whats going on while garnering sympathy from your fellow empathizing comrades.

The fourth step is jacking off vigorously while thinking about a recent earthquake that killed thousands in India.

3. Make people feel bad about fairly normal human things.
The Christians fucking rule at this one.

Anything that you pretty much know is normal but slightly odd human behavior can be bent and twisted to make insecure people feel like shit.Holy shit dude , you tried to suck your own dick before?? Fucking sick dude , you're probably gay.What the hell? you let a chick mess with your butthole? Goddamn dude , you're seriously fucking gay.Did you just say that chick had a cute face?? Really though , "cute face"? Jesus Christ are you fucking serious with this cute face shit?

These three steps should put you on the one-way train to Dicktown , once you get there you can spend months and years learning how to manipulate and shit all over people with almost no consequences!

God speed you miserable fuckers!

Bonus Anti-Dick advice:
Stop Fucking Caring.
No reaction is dick kryptonite , seriously.

Buckin Yum: Term used to describe the deliciousness of either an intangible item, or an item that is not usually considered edible.

Example: Remember when I pinched your dogs nipple so hard it passed out? That was buckin yum dude, buckin yum.

DumbHead: The meaning of this word is pretty obvious... someone who has dog excrement where there brains should be.



There is a homework assignment with this Fwod: try to actually anger someone by calling them a dumbhead in the next week. If you can do this I want to hear the story of how it happened!

It's Evolution Baby!

Is it just me or are bat's (the animal) really creepy? I've had way too many encounters with these things and must say they are about the creepiest animal ever. Flying mice... REALLY cool evolution! What the fuck is next? Flying bears... you assholes that are laughing now won't be when a bear paws your fucking face off in midair.

How to be a dick at the drive thru