FunnyBrew Reviews - Steve Martin is Not Gay- Born Standing Up

I've always thought the less I know about something before diving into it the better I will think it is. That being said I knew way too much about this book and had extremely high expectations going in. I was left with a very flaccid dick as I found out in this book that Steve Martin is not gay. I was definitely expecting more humor as I have read his fictional books and was thinking of Steve naked the whole time. The pictures in this book were not revealing at all. I want to have sex with Steve Martin.... but not Steve Martin the weird looking hippie. I'd give this book the finger.... right up Steve's Ass. It earns 46 out of 72 virgins in heaven... all of which are apparently straight.

Funny Things to do in an Elevator

1. Take farting to the next level, actually poop yourself.
2. Start Itching your genitals vigorously if anybody asks... tell 'em about that hooker.
3. Just spend the entire day in there... drinking heavily.
4. Air guitar... ya friggin' geek... encourage others to sing along while you rock out.
   
5. Read a book aloud, preferably the children's book "Everybody Poops"
   

No Shit

I know that really this should be posted as a comment on Donnyhawk's post, but I wanted to add my own, so fuck all you punk ass bitches.

Fuck every athlete
Fuck every team owner
Fuck every sports columnist

Just because U.S.A. is able spread their workload over a bigger pool of better talent, that doesn't detract from what is really going on. Like DH said, it's up to these grown men to decide to play or not. They want to support their country and help it be proud of itself.
Soldiers do that and they die. A 32 year old ugly ass millionaire with a broken foot hardly compares to a dead 20 year old who's widow has to blow guys for mac n' cheese now that he's not able to support their kids.
Anyone who has the fucking balls to care at all about sports injuries to multimillion dollar athletes who are actually using their superb talent to an end that brings pride instead of raping girls in Utah should be fucking kicked in the crotch until bleeding.
I love basketball. I will still love it after the Olympics. But these players are no different that the guy who picks up my trash or the guy who mops the floor at the local gas station. They are men with jobs. If they actually have enough pride to do their jobs and not leave it to their co-workers, good for them.
In sports there is always a fresh, new, hot, bad ass, whatever and the fact that these guys get to play a game they love, make tons of money, get a FREE college education, and represent their country in a world competition is a great thing. Worrying about whether or not Cuban's ass-penny team will make it to the finals just taints that in a way that makes me ashamed.
Did you ever work sick or hurt?
Did they write a column of 'what's your boss gonna do' about it?

Fuck all these assholes.

To every athlete who cares more about their team than themselves, if it matters or not,
Some of us are proud of you.


P.S. Does anyone really even like Ginobili?

FunnyBrew is annoyed... so listen up fuckers.

Click the article title or here to read what made my nipples grow hairs of fury in just minutes. Where do all of these sports columnists get off deciding when these grown fuckin' men play Basketball? It's not these governments that are "forcing" these NBA players to play in these games. The Players WANT to play. Last I checked the Argentinian government wasn't a bunch of oppressive hate mongers. Whiny Ginobili wanted to friggen play, that's why he was on the court. God forbid this little greasy bastage wanted to play for the love of the game. Anyhow, give it a rest ya sports columnist(s) who have a vadge where your schlong should be.

FunnyBrew Reviews - Lars and the Real Girl

This is a severely underrated movie, I saw this movie several months ago but must say it sits in my memory like a sex doll that is yet to be fucked. Ryan Gosling (the pile of feces from "The Notebook") Really brings the crazy in this one. He plays a delusional guy that falls in love with a sex doll. It's funny, but I must admit to feeling a bit sad at times... even though this butt-nugget was in love with a sex doll...bizzarre and highly recommended 66 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven.

FunnyBrew Fwod - Chug - Chinese Underage Gymnasts - Haiku included

Chug - one of those underage Chinese gymnasts.

Example sentence: "I Dined at the Y with a chug."

...Not sure why people decided these girls look young... All Chinese people look the same. Whether they are 15 or 60, male or female. Okay I'm only kidding I love All people and the Chinese are no different.... but seriously they all look the same.... but I love 'em... but they look very similar.

Extra food for thought here: I know I'm only about 2.37 inches erect... but... I'm yet to see a well endowed Chinese man.... and I watch a LOT of porn.


Chinese Haiku

Ping pong pow spoon drop
Rockin test tube baby Yao
Damn that dick is small.

Funny Brew Haiku - Renaissance festival

Knights nope just homos,
Joust? Wrestling? I wish you'd die.
Call us nerds now cry.

FunnyBrew Reviews - Pineapple Express

I done saw this shit on Saturday and must say it fucking disappoints me...at least in the beginning . I think the average 15 year old pothead would think this was the greatest Goddamned thing since dry-humping your girlfriend until your chaffed dick starts bleeding. However, I thought the beginning of this movie was slow, and not really entertaining. That being said, when people started dying I started laughing my ass off. Maybe I'm just that twisted... because other people were laughing at the beginning, and not so much at the deaths... I guess it's just kinda funny to see Seth Rogens fat ass beat up on people. Anyhow, I would say this is a pretty decent flick and give it 56 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven.

FunnyBrew Reviews - Bob Saget Roast

Mostly because I'm not a creative person I have decided to start posting reviews of other "funny" shit and raping small kittens (so tight). Anyhow, being that the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget was tonight I figured I may as well start with this turd. It certainly gave me a boner to see all these members of full house again... and I was thrilled to hear some half-assed famous person use the phrase "You got it dude" in a reference to raping an Olsen twin as I have been trying to bring back "you got it dude" for at lease a month or two now. Anyhow, the majority of this roast was pretty funny, although it's highs were not quite as good as the roast of Flavor Flave... It's lows weren't quite as bad either, although, Norm Mcdonald should've had his dick put in to a pencil sharpener for his shitty performance. Anyhow this is definitely worth checking out if your channel surfing and it's on. I'd give it 61 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven. It would have scored higher if Stamos and that old bag would've fucked.

Edit: It turns out Norm's jokes were all originally Bob Sagets. Which is kinda funny.

Barack Rick Rolled

Barack Obama's never gonna let you down. Okay, honestly just the music video by itself makes me laugh.

Most Historic Shit Ever

This shit weighed about 16.3 courics... here are the moments leading up to the shit smelt 'round the world..

Go Favre Away From Here

The pic is so nice we had to use it twice.... I figured as a blogger that considers himself a sports fan I should probably post something about this lifelong fudge-unpacker Brett Favre. One can only hope the Madden curse lives on here. It'll teach this cocky hick to shut up and stay retired. Anyhow the way I see it he's got three options.

1. Play behind Rodgers until week 3 when Rodgers is hurt.

2. Get traded to the Vikes and have every Pack fan hate him for years.

3. Cry himself to permanent sleep because no one wants his old addicted to pain killers ass on their team.

What'll probably actually happen is that the once Green Bay Packer aka "fudgepacker" will become a Tamba Bay Buccaneer aka "fuckinqueer"


Fun Fact:
You can make any team name a little gay by adding ass before the nickname.

• NY AssGiants
• AZ AssCardinals
• OAK AssRaiders
• DAL Asscowboys - probably my fave

They should have a NFLGAy ...the sole function of this association would be to kill puppies.


By the way... ain't nuttin wrong with being a lil gay. (we know you fuck dudes)

Supermans Dead

A quick "tip" on how to be a dick....

Talk shit about all religions with no remorse.



That being said, if you fear God but still fuck around a lot... I have found the answer for you.................................Blankets! That dude can't see you touching yourself unless your uncovered and your wiener is pointing towards the heavens.

FWOD:
Gryptonite - being able to stroke it under the covers cause god can't see.

Messy afterbirth.... is underwear the equivalent if a dick blanket? Cause I jerk off in the car a lot.

Stolen by Point Guard

I recently "stumbled upon" this joke... I seem to know a lot of these people.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

If you click the title of this story there is a link to a couple other good jokes.

Racial Slurs

So, I was watching the Godfather last night and decided my new favorite line in a movie is when Robert Duvall is called a "dago, guinea, wop, greaseball goombah... kraut, mick friend." by the movie producer. It serves as a great refresher that the more racial slurs that are in a movie... the better it is.... or maybe the slurs had nothing to do with it... I'm undecided... Anyway it's a highly reccommended line, and movie... and if you haven't seen it yet you should tatoo a vagina on your dick... because it is no longer of use to you.

PS if you're offended by any of this don't be, as I'm a dumb honkey... and NOT a racist... I just think we need to laugh at ourselves from time to time... "we're the all singing all dancing crap of the world" - Brad Pitt, Fight Club

Funny Haiku - CakeFart - Poo

CakeFart... we laughed Hard,
Baked goods and a nekked ass,
Great sounds... won't make lard.

Poopular Proverbs

• Better to be safe than................................Stupid.

• You can lead a horse to water but...........can you lead Jon's Jewish ass away from money?

• Don't bite the hand that............................just wiped an ass.

• No news is...................................................Jeff's life.

• A miss is as good as a.................................2/3rds of a Mr.

• You can't teach an old dog new.................ways to lick itself.

• An idle mind is.............................................about to watch some porn.

• Where there's smoke there's.....................pot, 'round most of my friends.

• Happy the bride who..................................has had premarital sex.

• A penny saved is.........................................a penny wasted when you're dead.

• Two's company, three's..............................boiyiyiying.

• Don't put off till tomorrow what................you could probably tap today.

• Children should be seen and not................Fucked.

• If at first you don't succeed.........................poop on it.

• Never underestimate the power of............DracuLee --- show me your teet(h)s.

• Better late than................ having that awkard aborted fetus hangin around.
  

Act of God

This warranty is not transferable. This warranty does not apply in cases of abuse or misuse of the product, use contrary to Shure’s instruction, ordinary wear and tear, an act of God, negligent use, purchase from a party other than Shure or a Shure-authorized reseller, unauthorized repair, or modification of the product.

This is a real warranty, from shure.com

Do People really think that God came down and wrecked their headphones??!?

Basketball By Smokers

Listen to Glove's - Shootin' Hoops

Some buddies and I shot about 4 hours worth of hoops the yesterday, causing supreme pain in my body. Being a smoker their were several times in a heated game of 21 I thought a lung had collapsed which would explain the difficulty breathing. Anyhow, the four of us playing are all supremely out of shape, so it made for good competition. I thought I'd give a brief bio on the ballers.

C- sack - A 6'4" 265 pounder was the rebound hound... although he can't shoot once he rebounds the fact that he can get about 5-6 offensive reebs per posesh was enough to be an equalizer.... so what if his vertical is about 3". Also his testicle kneeing ability came in handy.
50% winner.

Mr. Blueveins aka Darlene from Roseanne- The most out of shape individual out there this weekend...With about a 5" vertical this 5'10" 185 pounder is an incredibly inept inside scorer... with an okay at best jumper... His greatest strength was not trying at all until the rest of us were dead tired...however this strategy meant that he won 0 games.

AD - A 5'8" 190 pound midget hailing from MN is probably the most in shape of the group. His incredible 9" vertical stands out against the competition, probably the best inside scorer of the group... However, being 5'8 doesn't always bode well for the inside game.... He did reject the shit out of C-sack on this day... which was hilarious. 33% winner.

FunnyBrew.com- Standing 5'11 220 pounds and crawling at about 3' after b-ball (due to exhaustion) my spectacular 7" vertical was enough to manage 1 block in four hours of hoops. Probably the sweatiest player... this white boy could pass as an ape... greatest strength maybe ball handling... lord knows I get a lot of practice... This skill may come in handy If I could shoot off the dribble. However, my skill to forget my phone at the park was unsurpassed. 33% winner

I wish I had video of this horrendous b-ball endeavor to post, maybe next time. It was a lot of fun. Don't ask about the math on the percentages... it is correct.

Best Holiday Ever

Okay, so I'm not a big fan of most holidays. They're usually a bunch of build up for just way too much let down. It's like dropping a dookie on your school teachers desk chair when she has stepped out of the classroom.... only to have her find it before sitting in your shit... Someday, someone will become your poopsibling* okay, anyway... The best holidays are the ones you create for yourself, now if you're like Mr. Blueveins, well you create that personal holiday everyday. Congrats good sir. Anyhow, Just wanted to give props to the jolly fat bastard John Madden... for bringing me hours of joy every mid-August for the past 20 years.

Here is a timeline that I have planned for August 12, 2009. (pretty similar to the last 20 years)
12 am - Go buy madden, a frozen pizza, lots of Mountain Dew... (already stocked on beer)
12:15 am - start playing madden.
3 am - have my franchise ready to be started.
6 am - done playing, off to bed
6:07 am - playing again "can't sleep" - it's a fucking lie... just can't justify being up that late/early
9:33 am - Fall asleep, one too many beers... controller still in hand
1:52 pm - Wake up, I feel like shit... probably should shower (I don't)... look at the TV... happy there is no burn in.... Fuck... I'm at my own half yard line thanks to several hours of "delay of game" penalties... Cool it's 3rd and 78 ... well, better finish this game!
2:17 pm - unable to recover from my 3 and 78 fiasco... I lose my second game of the season
2:18 pm - Start making a pizza
2:25 pm - it's not done yet, eat it anyway
2:28 pm - back to Madden thank christ I don't work today.
11:59 pm - still playing
4:02 am next day - I'm asleep... no doubt getting called for delay of game penalties.
The next work day starts around 1030 am... I can't wait to get home and play madden before the work day even begins.
Moral: fake holidays are better than the real thing usually... but the day after sucks.
* FWOD - Poopsibling = much similar to a blood brother or sister... except you smear poo on eachother instead of blood...

Blasphemy

What did Abraham say to Jesus?



...I'm older than you, Bitch!

Oh God Yes

Okay, one more NBA thing only because I know every Minnesotan is pissing blood because they are so happy this fine summer day. Marko Jaric is no longer a member of the T'wolves!!!! Go tell it on a mountain! Some team was ignorant enough to pick up the 21 million left on his contract, not to mention the almost 10 mil on Antoine Walker's for OJ Mayo? MN picks up the number 5 pick of the draft (Kevin Love) and probably the best U.S. born white player in the NBA (Mike Miller) ...Memphis proves once again that they should never make a trade... this team will be terrible for sometime to come. This is seriously the best day in MN since Jesus rose from his grave... or buddha did whatever it is that buddha do. Jesus God I am so happy!

Tell Me How My Ass Taste.

You had me at "Check it"

This old man needs to shut the hell up. I really liked Shaq for about 30 seconds when he left LA... but this is god awful. His rapping is somehow worse than his acting. Everything that is free Shaq sucks at... Freestyling, Free throw, protecting freedom (congrats on losing your cop type jobs). Someone should put this giant to permanent sleep.

The first time she farts...

Dumber Down

The Dumbest things I remember (at the moment)

5. Believing that the touching the heating controls in a car would cause would cause the vehicle to rollover.

4. Someone using Clearisil to brush their teeth in the morning.

3. Thinking that the tag line for Heman was "I am Tired"

2. A girl I dated not knowing who fought in the American Civil War. (she was a brainiac I tell you!)

1. Another girl I dated telling me that "Counting is not math." At the time this girl was student teaching...(mathematics)

*Disclaimer - the current girlfriend is the smartest yet. I'm a firm believer that her IQ is greater than that of a raped ape's.

Ryan Cum Dempster

Unborn children older than three months may not get on this ride.

My best friends fuck toy...

And he used to be mine? I love KG, its too bad this wasn't in MN. Congrats on finally doing something with your life. (winning the NBA finals)

Another NBA haiku (WOOHOO)

You wanna crown him? Then crown his ass!

Keving Garnett Haiku
Made Kobe come limp,
you giant Neanderthal chimp,
fucked Pau... Thanks and Wow

Basketball? Blacketball is more like it.

Okay, so I saw a news report today that said rape was under no circumstances funny, so I was going to write a haiku about rape... however realized the very last entry was in fact rape related. Since we have already proved how funny rape is I thought I'd make a haiku about basketball... because the NBA finals were on tonight and Boston brought a Electric powered rape machine onto the court tonight.

Black athletic men,
Honkey just shot a three ball,
Seven foot Asian?


Been a long time since we've rocked a Fwod

Rape Machine - A self powered mechanical device that fucks you whether you like it, or not.*

* - You can't rape the willing. (and librarian's can't take credit for this comment.)

Rape Joke

Some might call this lazy, but here is a joke from one of my friends that is old as his wiener is long... (a couple inches= a couple years) ...Don't worry big guy, I've never satisfied a woman either.

Question: Whats worse than an apple with a worm in it?
Answer: Getting raped.

Baby Jesus killer (haiku)

I recently watched some fucked up footage on abortions... and it got me to thinking... I should write a haiku.


Is abortion wrong?
Nine Baby Jesus comebacks,
Foiled by brain sucking.

The Exploding Head

Here's how my friends react to a neighbor committing suicide... Rather amusing if you ask me....Which you didn't.... fuck off.