Funny Brew - How to be a Dick - The First Bite of a Sandwich

Another installment of how to be a dick

It's odd when a chick plays a dick... but it happened to me this week so it, of course, must be made public. I was being my normal, immature, annoying self while making a sandwich... when she questioned me "Why are you such an asshole today?" I replied "Well my dear, sometimes it's just fun to be an asshole."  At this point my sammich is fully edible, and I walk to the fridge to grab myself a pop (that's a soda to you hicks) anyhow, this she-devil calls out to me "Hey" stares me right in the eye... and takes the scrumptious first bite out of my sammich... I didn't even know the filthy whore could fit that much in her mouth... Anyhow, I guess what goes in must come out... job well done at being a dick, toots.

Funny Brew - Smells Like Roses - Review

So I'm playin' with my dick the other day, not really in a sexual manner... just batting it around a little, and my girlfriend asks me to stop.... I ask "Why?"... she contemplates, then explains "Because your hands will smell like your dick." I decide to get a whiff of what I've been smackin' against her and I joke that it "smells great" ... so I stick my hand down to camel tow-n and take a big whiff........... Jesus christ it smelt heavenly... I never knew vagina could smell so good... Yeah, I think there was some sort of perfume involved... because I stuck my nose all up in that and it smelt like a goddamned bed of roses. If a pussy usually had this aroma my head would constantly be buried in one... anyway guys... all I'm saying is... you should get my woman to sprinkle some of that fairy dust shit on your woman's vadge. The scent of my woman's manly part eater gets a 72 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven.

Funny Brew - How to be a dick - Working Well With Others - Bad Advice

What seems to be a lost art at FunnyBrew is making an appearance today. It's the how to be a dick advice column. A couple things happened at work, that provoked some sincere assholish thoughts.

1. If someone is telling you about how a friend got shitcanned, just smile thinking (it helps if you say it out loud) "I never liked that guy anyway."

2. Make a lot of "That's what she said" Jokes. This might not make you a dick, but it will certainly make you annoying. So, when your friend says "Yeah it's just nice to see Telfair getting to the hole that quickly. The finishing will come later" Don't hold back, just let your inner Steve Carrell fly.

3. Politics, remember it's the truth, everybody is an asshole, but, get creative. You actually like Barack Obama's political views... He's just so goddamned black.

4. Fuck, this one came so naturally... I'm an asshole... When a passerby whom you barely know says "Tsup?" and you give the natural "How's it going?" and they actually have something to say just don't care what follows. No one gives a shit about your ex-wife, or finding your lost baby... stop fucking crying, your an adult male for christ sake... I don't even know you.... Next week I hope an Aids infested monkey bites your grandma's tits off.

That pretty much sums this one up, I hope you're much less likable for reading it!

Wiener Chase Fwod for Pecker... Manana

The ultimate weiner chase ending in a wicked nice hand job, awesome cumshot. I've received this indirectly through my fiancee's mother.

FWOD----

Manana - (banana but with an M) - A large penis.

Example sentence - Don and John are hung like pimples, but Adam has one helluva Manana. (goddamned Indians get all the glory)

Indian - stupid man's term for Native American.

100th Post! Jeff's Internet Meme

Jeff's dick stink sooo bad he shoved a mentos up his weinerhole

Jeff's nipples are very womanish, he also lactates chocolate.

Jeff's teeth are bad.

Jeff's mom shoved a plunger up his butt when he was ten, since then shit has never stopped coming out his mouth.

Just put jeff in front of a sentence... it's instantly funny.

Supermans Dead

A quick "tip" on how to be a dick....

Talk shit about all religions with no remorse.



That being said, if you fear God but still fuck around a lot... I have found the answer for you.................................Blankets! That dude can't see you touching yourself unless your uncovered and your wiener is pointing towards the heavens.

FWOD:
Gryptonite - being able to stroke it under the covers cause god can't see.

Messy afterbirth.... is underwear the equivalent if a dick blanket? Cause I jerk off in the car a lot.

The hair around the dick trick

Some banter from a Gmail conversation between myself and Jeff.
[23:29] don: how longs your hair now?
[23:29] Jeff: tunas dad used to call him honey all the time it creeps me the fuck out
[23:29] don: past your ass crack yet?
[23:29] don: that's fucking bizzare
[23:30] Jeff: further than my neck now
[23:30] Jeff: from front
[23:31] don: sexy gay
[23:31] Jeff: can totallly touch my balls with my hair if i try
[23:31] don: haha, so you have tried?
[23:31] Jeff: i bet i could tie my hair around my dick with some effort
[23:31] Jeff: yeah just now
[23:32] don: boneriffic
[23:32] Jeff: not my naked balls or anything
[23:34] don: awww, sad

How to be a dick in three easy steps

By Jeffrey

As a few of you might have picked up from my last few articles , I am a dick.

Being a dick may not seem like something you would like to strive for in life , the reason for this is because you are too fucking stupid to be a dick.

Here are a few tricks that I've picked up whilst being a dick for the last 10 to 20 years.

1. Never Forget Anything.

Remember that time your friend fucked a fat chick? How about that time your cousin tried to cut off his own dick with a butter knife? No?? Well I sure the fuck do and will be sure to mention it at the most inopportune time that you can possibly imagine , during the awkward silence that inevitably happens after I tell your new girlfriend that you shit all over an elementary school playground slide on purpose when you were 16 , I will picture myself riding a horse over your grave and kicking its stomach until it shits all over your tombstone.

2. Subtle Insults. aka the "Does baby Jeff want to go home" step.

This one shouldn't be used on anyone that you know who gives horrible beatings.

The first step to this one is finding out what annoys the victim.

The second step is nonchalantly employing this annoying behavior every five to ten minutes until everyone in the room wonders what the fuck the other person is getting so pissed about.

The third step is to play the victim and act like you have no clue whats going on while garnering sympathy from your fellow empathizing comrades.

The fourth step is jacking off vigorously while thinking about a recent earthquake that killed thousands in India.

3. Make people feel bad about fairly normal human things.
The Christians fucking rule at this one.

Anything that you pretty much know is normal but slightly odd human behavior can be bent and twisted to make insecure people feel like shit.Holy shit dude , you tried to suck your own dick before?? Fucking sick dude , you're probably gay.What the hell? you let a chick mess with your butthole? Goddamn dude , you're seriously fucking gay.Did you just say that chick had a cute face?? Really though , "cute face"? Jesus Christ are you fucking serious with this cute face shit?

These three steps should put you on the one-way train to Dicktown , once you get there you can spend months and years learning how to manipulate and shit all over people with almost no consequences!

God speed you miserable fuckers!

Bonus Anti-Dick advice:
Stop Fucking Caring.
No reaction is dick kryptonite , seriously.

Chocolate covered "fuck yous"

Here are the top five ways to shake that unwanted lover before Valentines Day.

5.) Buy a bunch of roses and make a trail of rose petals into your fist.



4.) Have sex with a family member of your unwanted lover... If he or she has no family, have sex with a member of your own family. That should also do the trick.



3.) Use those wonderful three words: "I have AIDS."



2.) Ask him or her to borrow about $1,000... tell them you want to buy them something nice for Valentines Day, but just don't have the money right now.



1.) Make lots of poop jokes, if this doesn't work start using your feces as a prop for the poop jokes.

How to be a dick at the drive thru

The drive-thru titties.

-Don



Next time you go to, ooooh, lets say Arby's and order some food start with the normal routine, most drive-thru stunts are pulled off over the radio, but this needs to be done face to face... So get your goods ordered up, get to the window, examine your subject (this will only work on a big guy)... while you qualify your subject for this trick ,pay for your food, and most importantly get your food. Now assuming that said subject is a big fat guy before thank you's can be exchanged you need to keep eye contact and say politely "Hey man, I like your tits." exchange pleasantrys and get out of dodge. What the hell were you thinking?



Do's and Dont's:

Do: Have someone in the car with you while you attempt this stunt preferrably woman... mother or girlfriend is ideal so they can slap the shit out of you for ruining that man's day.
Don't: For christsakes never do this before you get your food. Who knows what kind of manmilk might get mixed in with your Arby's sauce.
Do: Wait around for a reaction. Most people won't react violently and if you don't get to see a reaction WTF is the point? Hopefully, however, the reaction is violent because chances are fatty can take your scrawny ass if he catches you... and you deserve it anyway you prick.

Enjoy!

The Nose Kiss

We've all heard of Eskimo kisses, well The Nose Kiss is an improvement to what's been done for years. Alright, so here's the process:
Step one: Find an unsuspecting friend.
Step two: Splash a small amount of liquid on your nose.
Step three: Press you nose against said unsuspecting friend while making a kissing sound.
Step four: Watch there discomfort. It can be pretty humorous as it feels much like the real deal.

Disclaimers: We're not responsible for pissed off friends, or actions resulting from The Nose Kiss.

...I've been told this doesn't differ much from an actual kiss, however, It's all in the head.