Funny Brew - Smells Like Roses - Review

So I'm playin' with my dick the other day, not really in a sexual manner... just batting it around a little, and my girlfriend asks me to stop.... I ask "Why?"... she contemplates, then explains "Because your hands will smell like your dick." I decide to get a whiff of what I've been smackin' against her and I joke that it "smells great" ... so I stick my hand down to camel tow-n and take a big whiff........... Jesus christ it smelt heavenly... I never knew vagina could smell so good... Yeah, I think there was some sort of perfume involved... because I stuck my nose all up in that and it smelt like a goddamned bed of roses. If a pussy usually had this aroma my head would constantly be buried in one... anyway guys... all I'm saying is... you should get my woman to sprinkle some of that fairy dust shit on your woman's vadge. The scent of my woman's manly part eater gets a 72 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven.

Funny Brew - Hate Blog - Light Bulbs - Haikus

I've never really noticed this until now, but one of my biggest pet peeves is when a light bulb goes out. What the fuck is that all about really? it's too fucking good suddenly to illuminate an area for me. The fucking thing has to work for like 2 hours a day... tops. Pretty tough fucking life. I think the next time a light bulb goes out. I'm going to smash it, and stuff the jagged little pieces up my ass. So my mental and physical discomfort are on the same wavelength.

Light Bulb Haiku

Little white bitch light,

Path which one wants you to walk,

Light my asshole blood.

Funny Brew - Fwod - Fake Word of Day - RGB

RGB -Are you ready to go on Break? This can be switched up in quite a few ways. Any words beginning with the letters R, G, and B. Every Variation of this means the same thing... Let's ditch this piece of donkey covered shit.

Examples: 

1) Red, Gock, Blood? 

2) Rag, Gunt, Boob? 

3) Rat, Gay, Butt?

or something much more innocent...

Russia, Guam, Bulgaria?

Yeah, it's a good way to ditch a person without them knowing.

Bonus FWODS---

Gock - A fatman's fleshy area between the gut, and the cock,

Gunt - Same thing, except this person should have tits

Funny Brew - How to be a dick - Working Well With Others - Bad Advice

What seems to be a lost art at FunnyBrew is making an appearance today. It's the how to be a dick advice column. A couple things happened at work, that provoked some sincere assholish thoughts.

1. If someone is telling you about how a friend got shitcanned, just smile thinking (it helps if you say it out loud) "I never liked that guy anyway."

2. Make a lot of "That's what she said" Jokes. This might not make you a dick, but it will certainly make you annoying. So, when your friend says "Yeah it's just nice to see Telfair getting to the hole that quickly. The finishing will come later" Don't hold back, just let your inner Steve Carrell fly.

3. Politics, remember it's the truth, everybody is an asshole, but, get creative. You actually like Barack Obama's political views... He's just so goddamned black.

4. Fuck, this one came so naturally... I'm an asshole... When a passerby whom you barely know says "Tsup?" and you give the natural "How's it going?" and they actually have something to say just don't care what follows. No one gives a shit about your ex-wife, or finding your lost baby... stop fucking crying, your an adult male for christ sake... I don't even know you.... Next week I hope an Aids infested monkey bites your grandma's tits off.

That pretty much sums this one up, I hope you're much less likable for reading it!

Funny Brew Haiku - Election Day Haikus

Barack Obama,

Mccain's sore sad faced pooper,

Jerk off on ballots.

Ralph Nader again,

Time to give up old sphincter,

Can't ruin another.

Florida balloting,

Old folks need to be deceased,

Grandpa can't read? Last Breath.

Show Me Your Nature Tits!

----Fwod----

Nature Tits - Nature that is so fuckin' hot you want to rub your schlong in it... Or leave a massive snail trail on it.

<-----Here's an example picture... I've such a raging nature boner right now...This, this is what God motorboats.

Funny Brew Music Review - Bon Iver - Dooby Doo Skinny Love - Haiku

Click the title to watch a video for "Skinny Love" Live.

So my girlfriend went to school with this dude. So, I really tried to like this music, but to me the most impressive thing is how this guy manages to sound like he got kicked in the nad's for extended periods of time... with no apparent nad kicking going on at all... The song "Skinny Love" is actually starting to grow on me, like some sort of weird fungus... but seriously this guy should consider using his man voice more. 36 of 72 Virgins in Heaven. If you like the thought of getting kicked in the balls, you'll probably like this music.

Nad Kickin Haiku

Holyfuck this hurts,

Babymakers be  painin'

Please god make it stop.

Wiener Chase Fwod for Pecker... Manana

The ultimate weiner chase ending in a wicked nice hand job, awesome cumshot. I've received this indirectly through my fiancee's mother.

FWOD----

Manana - (banana but with an M) - A large penis.

Example sentence - Don and John are hung like pimples, but Adam has one helluva Manana. (goddamned Indians get all the glory)

Indian - stupid man's term for Native American.

Funny Brew Haiku - Chuck Norris

Bearded man Fury,

Wisdom through facial shavings,

Eats hair for breakfast.

I heart Chuck Norris.

FunnyBrew Mathematical Equations.

See if you are smart enough for some FunnyBrew Math.

Coffee + Cigarrettes = Immenent Poop

Cold + Pool             = Tiny Pecker

Monkey + Gay dudes = Aids

Computer + 1 AM    = self rubbing and lotion

Sluts + Slots             = Vegas

Mom + Kids             = Group sex

Pagerank 2 Woot Woot

FunnyBrew has reached a pagerank of 2 according to Google. Meaning we now are as important in Google as an unpopular naked lady site's subdomain. I decided to sleep with Google to better my pagerank, which unfortunately didn't do much, as I'm not that good in bed. So I am asking for volunteers to sleep with Google on behalf of FunnyBrew. Next time you feel like boxing the clown, roughing up the suspect, or scrathing the record (ladies), just take off all you clothes and start rubbing up on Google's supple bosom. Do it for FunnyBrew.

A Funny Brew Poop Joke

Whats the difference between getting a milkshake spilled on your face and having diarrhea spattered on your face?

Warmth. Both are delicious.

FunnyBrew Haiku - Fall Sucks Poo - The Seasons

Fall you giant turd, 

Winter you're worse ya heared?

Spring splooge, in my Beard.

   

FunnyBrew Reviews - Baby Mama - Tina Fey - My ManPussy

So after watching Tina Fey and Amy Poehler shakin' their lady parts on SNL together again I thought I'd review their movie. I always thought these broads were pretty funny when they did the fake news on SNL... now maybe they were, and maybe my ManPussy just got all moist when I watched two chicks at the same time...do the news that is.

Unfortunately there wasn't too much that was funny during this movie. I spent more time thinking about ejaculating into Tina Fey's scarface than I did laughing... This movie is a waste of everybodies time.

I'd recommend these chicks stick to what they're good at... queefin at eachother while dressed up like Hillary, and Sarah Palin... I'd give this movie 29 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven.... and by the way... open wounds are more fun than closed ones... You bore me Tina Fey.

Dreams, Bear Claws, Car Accidents, and Quitting Smoking

As some of you may know, I've been trying to quit smoking since I "wasn't addicted" 8 years ago. Well I've recently started taking Chantix. Now, this is day three and the first night of the dreams that eat my face off with their realism. Last night I dreamt about petting a full grown bear, and someone driving off of a ledge that doesn't exist at my old high school. I think these quit smoking aids should be taken at night time so that we can all dream of cuddly bears, and disturbing accidents, all in a good nights sleep.... and still wake up with morning wood.

Funny Brew Haiku's - Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Aprils Creepy Deviance

April loves turtles,

April loves teenage turtles?

April needs some help.

My Boyfriend's Bathroom Habits

They say everything you know you learn in kindergarten. Well, my kindergarten teacher never told me, but my boyfriend has since told me, a must have in the bathroom while taking a dump is a laptop. Yes, my fellow bloggers, it is very well possible that some of the posts you read here today have been posted from the throne itself. Meanwhile the author gives himself a small brain aneurysm while squeezing out a log the size of a loaf of bread that I so graciously plunge out later. I wish this was the only poo habit of his that blows my mind but the fact that he is absolutely the only person I know that wipes standing up...well, that's just crazy shit, man. I mean seriously, who the fuck does that other than my 2 year-old cousin that's being potty trained?

The way he pees is mostly normal for the most part but recently he told me how much he loves the cabinets above the toilet in our new apartment because he can lean against them. I'm not sure if he just thinks his penis is so monstrous that he needs something to lean on while he does curls with his little pink johnson, or merely the imitation of a nap it brings because taking a pee is so extremely exhausting.

Since I was clearly a virgin when I met him (cough), I can't help but wonder about another one of his bathroom habits. Weekly picking scabs off his penis seems to be a Sunday night ritual right after his must see episode of Flavor of Love. Don't get me wrong, I love him so much that rubbing cream on his puss weeping wounds really doesn't phase me much.

I guess in the grand scheme of things, bathroom habits really are just a small part in a relationship. I should be thankful that I have such a caring and wonderful boyfriend that only beats me twice a week, and brings interesting new adventures into the relationship like golden showers and rimjobs.

Top 5 Things I Think About During Sex...Repost

Okay, so I had deleted my previous posts due to paranoia dealing with my occupation...fuck it. I'm reposting this one because these are genuine thoughts, deep from my soul that I would like to share with the world.

Top 5 Things I Think About During Sex:

5. Holding or pushing my head down is not going to make you or me enjoy the blowjob more...it will probably just make me puke up Taco Bell on your dick.

4. For someone so curious about anal sex, you sure didn't seem to enjoy that finger up your ass.

3. Hurry up and cum already and get off me so I can finish myself off and actually enjoy a fraction of this 4 and a half minutes. I've got laundry to do and other dudes to fuck.

2. Looking deep into my eyes trying to make a meaningful "emotional connection" with me isn't going to work...all it's going to do is make me visually cut and paste Brad Pitt's face ontop of yours.

1. God, I love just lying here.

FunnyBrew Trivia - A Fun Game - Read Jeff's Mind

Jeff: its like running thru a swamp and then falling into a goddamn pit full of corpses and money.

It's worth it cuz money is nice.......but it fucking reeks.







He's talking about butt sex of course!!!

Proud to be a Shallow American (A Fine Piece of Vice Presidential Ass) - Sarah Palin

Luckily, I'm not famous so I can say whatever sexist pig shit I want to here. I have to think this is some gimmicky shit right here. I don't really know enough about politics or give two shits enough to tell you whether or not this broad really belongs here... but it seems to me the republicans never would've went this route without Hillary making a serious bid for the democratic nomination. I think Mccain just picked the politician he'd most like to have sex if he could still get it up. Obama the black guy goes with the old white guy.... The old white Mccain goes with the wiener magnet (did you see all of those kids???) All just gimmicky garbage to get votes... don't pick the best person for the job... just whoever will look the best. I'm going to be bummed when that old fart winds up as Prez.

Oh Snatch!

The olympics are pretty boring and fortunately are over. There was some quality quotes worth mentioning.

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warmup and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents... especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst : "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have i just said?"

FunnyBrew Reviews - Steve Martin is Not Gay- Born Standing Up

I've always thought the less I know about something before diving into it the better I will think it is. That being said I knew way too much about this book and had extremely high expectations going in. I was left with a very flaccid dick as I found out in this book that Steve Martin is not gay. I was definitely expecting more humor as I have read his fictional books and was thinking of Steve naked the whole time. The pictures in this book were not revealing at all. I want to have sex with Steve Martin.... but not Steve Martin the weird looking hippie. I'd give this book the finger.... right up Steve's Ass. It earns 46 out of 72 virgins in heaven... all of which are apparently straight.

Funny Things to do in an Elevator

1. Take farting to the next level, actually poop yourself.
2. Start Itching your genitals vigorously if anybody asks... tell 'em about that hooker.
3. Just spend the entire day in there... drinking heavily.
4. Air guitar... ya friggin' geek... encourage others to sing along while you rock out.
   
5. Read a book aloud, preferably the children's book "Everybody Poops"
   

No Shit

I know that really this should be posted as a comment on Donnyhawk's post, but I wanted to add my own, so fuck all you punk ass bitches.

Fuck every athlete
Fuck every team owner
Fuck every sports columnist

Just because U.S.A. is able spread their workload over a bigger pool of better talent, that doesn't detract from what is really going on. Like DH said, it's up to these grown men to decide to play or not. They want to support their country and help it be proud of itself.
Soldiers do that and they die. A 32 year old ugly ass millionaire with a broken foot hardly compares to a dead 20 year old who's widow has to blow guys for mac n' cheese now that he's not able to support their kids.
Anyone who has the fucking balls to care at all about sports injuries to multimillion dollar athletes who are actually using their superb talent to an end that brings pride instead of raping girls in Utah should be fucking kicked in the crotch until bleeding.
I love basketball. I will still love it after the Olympics. But these players are no different that the guy who picks up my trash or the guy who mops the floor at the local gas station. They are men with jobs. If they actually have enough pride to do their jobs and not leave it to their co-workers, good for them.
In sports there is always a fresh, new, hot, bad ass, whatever and the fact that these guys get to play a game they love, make tons of money, get a FREE college education, and represent their country in a world competition is a great thing. Worrying about whether or not Cuban's ass-penny team will make it to the finals just taints that in a way that makes me ashamed.
Did you ever work sick or hurt?
Did they write a column of 'what's your boss gonna do' about it?

Fuck all these assholes.

To every athlete who cares more about their team than themselves, if it matters or not,
Some of us are proud of you.


P.S. Does anyone really even like Ginobili?

FunnyBrew is annoyed... so listen up fuckers.

Click the article title or here to read what made my nipples grow hairs of fury in just minutes. Where do all of these sports columnists get off deciding when these grown fuckin' men play Basketball? It's not these governments that are "forcing" these NBA players to play in these games. The Players WANT to play. Last I checked the Argentinian government wasn't a bunch of oppressive hate mongers. Whiny Ginobili wanted to friggen play, that's why he was on the court. God forbid this little greasy bastage wanted to play for the love of the game. Anyhow, give it a rest ya sports columnist(s) who have a vadge where your schlong should be.

FunnyBrew Fwod - Chug - Chinese Underage Gymnasts - Haiku included

Chug - one of those underage Chinese gymnasts.

Example sentence: "I Dined at the Y with a chug."

...Not sure why people decided these girls look young... All Chinese people look the same. Whether they are 15 or 60, male or female. Okay I'm only kidding I love All people and the Chinese are no different.... but seriously they all look the same.... but I love 'em... but they look very similar.

Extra food for thought here: I know I'm only about 2.37 inches erect... but... I'm yet to see a well endowed Chinese man.... and I watch a LOT of porn.


Chinese Haiku

Ping pong pow spoon drop
Rockin test tube baby Yao
Damn that dick is small.

Funny Brew Haiku - Renaissance festival

Knights nope just homos,
Joust? Wrestling? I wish you'd die.
Call us nerds now cry.

FunnyBrew Reviews - Pineapple Express

I done saw this shit on Saturday and must say it fucking disappoints me...at least in the beginning . I think the average 15 year old pothead would think this was the greatest Goddamned thing since dry-humping your girlfriend until your chaffed dick starts bleeding. However, I thought the beginning of this movie was slow, and not really entertaining. That being said, when people started dying I started laughing my ass off. Maybe I'm just that twisted... because other people were laughing at the beginning, and not so much at the deaths... I guess it's just kinda funny to see Seth Rogens fat ass beat up on people. Anyhow, I would say this is a pretty decent flick and give it 56 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven.

FunnyBrew Reviews - Bob Saget Roast

Mostly because I'm not a creative person I have decided to start posting reviews of other "funny" shit and raping small kittens (so tight). Anyhow, being that the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget was tonight I figured I may as well start with this turd. It certainly gave me a boner to see all these members of full house again... and I was thrilled to hear some half-assed famous person use the phrase "You got it dude" in a reference to raping an Olsen twin as I have been trying to bring back "you got it dude" for at lease a month or two now. Anyhow, the majority of this roast was pretty funny, although it's highs were not quite as good as the roast of Flavor Flave... It's lows weren't quite as bad either, although, Norm Mcdonald should've had his dick put in to a pencil sharpener for his shitty performance. Anyhow this is definitely worth checking out if your channel surfing and it's on. I'd give it 61 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven. It would have scored higher if Stamos and that old bag would've fucked.

Edit: It turns out Norm's jokes were all originally Bob Sagets. Which is kinda funny.

Barack Rick Rolled

Barack Obama's never gonna let you down. Okay, honestly just the music video by itself makes me laugh.