Proud to be a Shallow American (A Fine Piece of Vice Presidential Ass) - Sarah Palin

Luckily, I'm not famous so I can say whatever sexist pig shit I want to here. I have to think this is some gimmicky shit right here. I don't really know enough about politics or give two shits enough to tell you whether or not this broad really belongs here... but it seems to me the republicans never would've went this route without Hillary making a serious bid for the democratic nomination. I think Mccain just picked the politician he'd most like to have sex if he could still get it up. Obama the black guy goes with the old white guy.... The old white Mccain goes with the wiener magnet (did you see all of those kids???) All just gimmicky garbage to get votes... don't pick the best person for the job... just whoever will look the best. I'm going to be bummed when that old fart winds up as Prez.

How to be a dick in three easy steps

By Jeffrey

As a few of you might have picked up from my last few articles , I am a dick.

Being a dick may not seem like something you would like to strive for in life , the reason for this is because you are too fucking stupid to be a dick.

Here are a few tricks that I've picked up whilst being a dick for the last 10 to 20 years.

1. Never Forget Anything.

Remember that time your friend fucked a fat chick? How about that time your cousin tried to cut off his own dick with a butter knife? No?? Well I sure the fuck do and will be sure to mention it at the most inopportune time that you can possibly imagine , during the awkward silence that inevitably happens after I tell your new girlfriend that you shit all over an elementary school playground slide on purpose when you were 16 , I will picture myself riding a horse over your grave and kicking its stomach until it shits all over your tombstone.

2. Subtle Insults. aka the "Does baby Jeff want to go home" step.

This one shouldn't be used on anyone that you know who gives horrible beatings.

The first step to this one is finding out what annoys the victim.

The second step is nonchalantly employing this annoying behavior every five to ten minutes until everyone in the room wonders what the fuck the other person is getting so pissed about.

The third step is to play the victim and act like you have no clue whats going on while garnering sympathy from your fellow empathizing comrades.

The fourth step is jacking off vigorously while thinking about a recent earthquake that killed thousands in India.

3. Make people feel bad about fairly normal human things.
The Christians fucking rule at this one.

Anything that you pretty much know is normal but slightly odd human behavior can be bent and twisted to make insecure people feel like shit.Holy shit dude , you tried to suck your own dick before?? Fucking sick dude , you're probably gay.What the hell? you let a chick mess with your butthole? Goddamn dude , you're seriously fucking gay.Did you just say that chick had a cute face?? Really though , "cute face"? Jesus Christ are you fucking serious with this cute face shit?

These three steps should put you on the one-way train to Dicktown , once you get there you can spend months and years learning how to manipulate and shit all over people with almost no consequences!

God speed you miserable fuckers!

Bonus Anti-Dick advice:
Stop Fucking Caring.
No reaction is dick kryptonite , seriously.

Chocolate covered "fuck yous"

Here are the top five ways to shake that unwanted lover before Valentines Day.

5.) Buy a bunch of roses and make a trail of rose petals into your fist.



4.) Have sex with a family member of your unwanted lover... If he or she has no family, have sex with a member of your own family. That should also do the trick.



3.) Use those wonderful three words: "I have AIDS."



2.) Ask him or her to borrow about $1,000... tell them you want to buy them something nice for Valentines Day, but just don't have the money right now.



1.) Make lots of poop jokes, if this doesn't work start using your feces as a prop for the poop jokes.

The Nose Kiss

We've all heard of Eskimo kisses, well The Nose Kiss is an improvement to what's been done for years. Alright, so here's the process:
Step one: Find an unsuspecting friend.
Step two: Splash a small amount of liquid on your nose.
Step three: Press you nose against said unsuspecting friend while making a kissing sound.
Step four: Watch there discomfort. It can be pretty humorous as it feels much like the real deal.

Disclaimers: We're not responsible for pissed off friends, or actions resulting from The Nose Kiss.

...I've been told this doesn't differ much from an actual kiss, however, It's all in the head.