FunnyBrew.com

Googling the Ex-Fiancée

2009-01-05T21:53:00.003-06:00

All women know but few of their boyfriends are aware that it is very standard for the current girlfriend to nose around and find information on the ex-girlfriend(s). This can be done many different ways. For example, via old pictures, subtle inquiries with the boyfriend’s family, the ever-so-bold asking the boyfriend upfront for dirty details or the ever-so-classic Google method.

One day, bored out of my mind, I decided to Google my boyfriend’s ex-fiancée. All I knew is that he and she dated for many years and she was a complete bitch and whore for cheating on him the day before he flew out to Boston to give her a romantic proposal in the park. Since she had a unique way of spelling her name I was hoping to find something right away like some sort of criminal/mental health record or just a picture that said “cunt” across her face. Low and behold I hit jackpot. The metro city news had done a story on her and it included a video! This bitch is getting proposed to AGAIN in a Boston park, five years later to a completely naïve asshole, and it made the fucking Boston and Minneapolis news.

Since I’m human and completely in love with my boyfriend, my heart couldn’t help but break for him as I watched the video because it was all too ironic. But this time her new guy was dressed in tights in a faggy outfit, riding a faggy horse toward her in the park, and with the absolute thickest faggy Boston accent he proposed.

I contemplated telling my boyfriend about it and when I finally did he was amazingly indifferent at the news. We laughed at the cheesy proposal and when he talked about it I heard only a twinge of “weirded-out-ness” in his voice. After hearing his reaction I could tell that I didn’t have to nose around anymore with his past girlfriends. He loves me now. He loves me because we’re like best friends but mostly he loves me because he knows that I would knee him in the balls if he ever did something as faggy and completely stupid as what we saw on the video.

Thanks ex-fiancée. I am now reaping all the benefits of the biggest mistake of your life. Bitch.

Click here to view Faggy Proposal!

Vikings Playoff Woes - Funny Haiku

2009-01-02T23:13:00.007-06:00

Well It's going to be pretty damn funny when I can't watch the Vikes get their asses handed to 'em on Sunday because of a blackout... Jim Mora ought to make this better...

Vikes Playoff hopes - Haiku

Oh, Christ almighty,
Brian Westbrook Is a god,
Mcnabb, Brad, Unite.

Okay, So I'm a little harsh on my sports teams, but seriously is MN ever going to get a championship in anything (other than college hockey) again?

I'll go out on a limb and say the Vikings lose... mostly because of turnovers... Eagles 27 - Vikes 17

Happy Anniversary Dear FunnyBrew...

2009-01-02T09:51:00.007-06:00

Well, FunnyBrew has been up and running for a full year now, so I thought

I'd give some Year end Stats:

127 posts.

5,579 unique visitors offended.

9,570 pageviews

26% of visitors felt the need to keep the insults coming.

almost 40% of visits were repeat offendors (had to come back for more)

The average asshole could handle funnybrew for about 2 and a half minutes

before going elsewhere to find something that is acually funny.

FunnyBrews New Years Resolutions

2008-12-30T09:53:00.005-06:00

Finally overcome my addiction to pterodactyl porn.
Only talk about poop twice a day.
Quit smoking (next year.)
Learn how to read.
Befriend a black man (I'm one of the good ones.)
Play more video games.
Don't grow man tits.
Gain access to crack by sucking dick.
Have a small heart attack, just the tip... to see what it's like
Make love to an inanimate object... (that picnic table is giving me the dogfuck look)

Sorry for the lack of a Christmas post... Bah Humbug!

Funny Brew - Haikus - The Manly Bubble Bath

2008-12-23T23:22:00.005-06:00

For a guy who tends to be a bit of a manly man (meaning I enjoy sports, beards, video games, porn, and the occasional dip into the pink) I have some feminine activities that I enjoy almost too much.

For example:

Sometimes I take myself, my laptop, and a TV tray into the bathroom and chill in a bubble bath for like an hour... coming out all pruney and a little light in the testicles.
I like yogurt a bit too much... it keeps my sna-wiener quite healthy.
If I'm feeling blue a pint of Ben & Jerry's helps dry my tears. (I looooooooove chocolate)
Sometimes I tuck my penis between my legs and pretend to dyke out with my woman.
I've been caught listening to the likes of Nora Jones, or James Blunt... Gooooodbye my Lover!
Flowers are pretty, and smell good too.

Anyway, this Haiku is for the guys that like some girly shit, and are not afraid to admit it!

The Man Bath

Bathtub here I fall,

Romance myself a little,

Hairy ass and all.

Fwod - Snawiener: A dick with a clit.

Funny Brew - How to be a Dick - The First Bite of a Sandwich

2008-12-18T21:10:00.004-06:00

Another installment of how to be a dick

It's odd when a chick plays a dick... but it happened to me this week so it, of course, must be made public. I was being my normal, immature, annoying self while making a sandwich... when she questioned me "Why are you such an asshole today?" I replied "Well my dear, sometimes it's just fun to be an asshole." At this point my sammich is fully edible, and I walk to the fridge to grab myself a pop (that's a soda to you hicks) anyhow, this she-devil calls out to me "Hey" stares me right in the eye... and takes the scrumptious first bite out of my sammich... I didn't even know the filthy whore could fit that much in her mouth... Anyhow, I guess what goes in must come out... job well done at being a dick, toots.

More (In)Appropriate Blog Names...

2008-12-15T23:16:00.004-06:00

This weekend I hung out with the boys, which always involves a bunch of drunken bickering between AD and Mr Blueveins... and C-sack and I trying to ignore it while enjoying some video games... Anyway drunken Mr Blueveins always manages to accidentally have a couple turd covered gems fall out of his mouth. Here's the one from this weekend:

"Don, you should change your blog's name to Don'sCummingandShitting.com"

Anyway, it made me think of a couple other (in)appropriate blog names.

"WhyWouldAnyoneEverFuckingCare.com"

"It'sNotMonkeys.DudesFlingPooToo.com"

"AllofMyFriendsareAlcoholicAssholes.org"

"AJewsPointofViewsareNotWelcomeHere.com" - I still love you C-Sack... this is a fuggin joke.

Annoying Celebrities

2008-12-13T12:21:00.005-06:00

When watching Late Night with Conan O'Brien or any other talk show, you get to see some celebrities and their true personalities. There are the typical celebrities like Tom Cruise where everyone loves him no matter how crazy he gets because he's so "charismatic" and then there's Tom Hanks in which I'm pretty sure his fellow Hollywood celebrities think the sun shines out of his ass. The truth is there are a good handful of them that I'd never want to be stuck in a conversation with. I have always been curious which celebrities are considered the Hollywood douche bags by their fellow celebrities. You know the celebrity that everyone hates to interview because they are extremely annoying but no one wants to publicly slam them because they’re probably really nice people. Maybe the celebrity that is always at award shows but no one really wants to talk to them because they're just fucking obnoxious (although may be very nice) and the only thing they have going for them is that they are famous. My boyfriend and I were discussing it and we came up with a small list of those we predicted made the Hollywood Lame/Annoying Personalities List.

1)Al Roker. Although he seems like a nice guy, he's convinced himself that he is also a comedian. He always seems to be the first guest on Conan some nights and then it occurred to me; some big name cancelled at the last minute and Al Roker is the only guy with no life (who also conveniently works down the hall) and desperate for publicity for his lame books discussing fatherhood.

2) Brendan Fraser. Probably the only person I have seen interviewed that made me want hang myself and enjoying going to commercial. Think about it. The guy isn't a horrible actor but the only movies he's done in the last 10 years are the Mummy movies that have trouble keeping the same direction and cast on board. I wouldn't doubt that not wanting to work with B.F. had a lot to do with it.

3) Sean Penn. Now this one is a little trickier because this guy is an AMAZING actor. Maybe the reason everyone thinks he's such an amazing actor is because he is completely void of personality and a sense of humor in real life. It takes a lot of talented acting to show that off. He also seems to make me, a teacher in MN that watches bad late-night TV, feel uncomfortably awkward while watching people try to drag out answers to their interview questions.

4) Last but not least, the last celebrity to mention is my most hated celebrity. I have no idea how he got as far as he got in his career. I am also pretty sure that if Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien didn't have to advertise his time slot on NBC, he would be a regular in idiot celebrity jokes in monologues. To just give you an idea of my hated for this celebrity I wrote a little Haiku:

No talent ass clown,
A blood belching cunt rag bitch,
Fuck Carson Daly.

The Perfect minute - shout out to: oneminutewriter

2008-12-12T01:50:00.005-06:00

Whats my perfect minute?

A bite of a chocolate chip cookie, a sip of milk, a game-winning homerun, and a good, I mean really good, fart.

Check out the one minute writer at http://oneminutewriter.blogspot.com/ You can find out exactly how lame other people are by reading other peoples responses... If anybodies perfect minute is holding their significant other close for one minute, with no words being spoken... well than, I truly wish that person would become just a touch more interesting by ceasing to exist. This site is fricken brilliant however and get's 68 of a possible 72 virgins in heaven.

Haysoos Chreesto...

2008-12-11T23:19:00.003-06:00

More than a week since my last post... My Butthole (from this point forward will be known as BH) is all sandy from going to the dentist... I mean, I get the whole teeth cleaning thing but I'm still a little confused about them tossing sand in my ass cheeks every time I go... it's supposedly helps with my molars... whatev.

Anyway, I thought I'd review a few sites that my BH pines for.

http://www.mp3va.com/ - It's not free, butt really, really, cheap music downloads... and a pretty good selection. 65/72 Virgins in heaven.

http://www.zml.com/ - Again not free, butt I'd fuck it with or without a sandy BH. 65/72 Virgins in heaven.

Tonight I stuffed Ms. Clause like a thanksgiving day turkey. Hey, How my dictate?

Funnybrew - Funny Haikus - Dirty Old Underwear

2008-12-03T10:35:00.009-06:00

So today, I'm wearing some old underwear, and I thought "What better to write about than SpongeBob Squarepants boxers?" .... So here it is, in traditional I need to get a post out style

Spongebob's New 'Stache

Spongebob grew a 'stache,

He must be getting older,

Oh wait, nope, that's shit.

Oh Turkey Day, Oh Turkey Day - Herschel Walker

2008-11-27T22:36:00.004-06:00

Well I worked today so my Thanksgiving came a bit later than normal... but I still managed to eat enough food to make me look like a pregnant man... which isn't all that uncommon. The best part of going to turkey day late is I only had to see the family which I don't mind seeing... which gave me the idea of posting a couple holiday memories.

1.) The Holiday Hop - I used to work a warehouse gig a supervisor... and well as you might have expected I'm not all that normal... I wore a Santa hat one Christmas, as did a gal I worked with. I invented the Holiday Hop... which is where her and I would jump up and down to singing some twisted rendition of a holiday song... This came to a stop when the girl realized all the guys only enjoyed this for the Baywatch similarities. I didn't even notice they were probably checking out my jubblys too.

2.) Sibling Rivalry - My right wing uncle, and my clinically certified crazy mother were having a nice chat... I really only remember my mom wetting herself... and the cops showing up... We wrote about it in the guestbook of the place we stayed at.

3.) Herschel, Herschel, Herschel - The Vikings and the Lions were in a heated battle (probably for last place in the division) And Herschel Walker rattled of a big run... I was in the living room, watching the game, and strokin' my six year old cock... right in front of the whole family... My dad was laughing his ass off... Later he had what I'm sure must've been a thrilling talk about happiness being a warm gun.

Funny Brew Haikus- The Don Loofah

2008-11-24T22:40:00.006-06:00

Another all to personal look into the life...

Fwod - The Don Loofah

So, I'm a hairy dude, I could probably pass for a goddamned sasquatch in the right lights, I frequently shower with this other thing, that has boobs... Well during said shower, typically while boobs is cleaning her hair, I get all soapy to the point where I look like a six foot washcloth... And then while she rinses I rub my hairy body up against them titties... front, side, other side, and then everyones favorite... the backside... (this always gives me a raging boner but, also it manages to clean like sixty percent of her body) something about the pooper makes my sausage ripen with delight. This my friends, is what is known as a Don Loofah.

-Haiku-

Suds that hairy bod,

She wants you to blow your wad,

Rinse, wash, repeat, rinse.

Funny Brew Haiku & FWOD - My Dentist Story

2008-11-19T23:25:00.005-06:00

So I went to the dentist the other day for the first time in like 5-6 years (fucking brilliant, I know) And they shoot me full of Novocaine so I can't feel 'em stick their dicks in my mouth... so they do the little cleaning thing etc... I leave and decide with my mouth still numb that I'm going to Subway to get me a sammich. I get home, plop my fatass on the couch and start enjoying my sammich... I get about two-thirds of the way through, and realize that they're are some little red splotches on my sandwich... I think... well that's kinda fucked up... what did they do to my teeth?! I finish eating my bloody sandwich, and start touching my lip... well there's just too much for this to be normal... I get up go look in the mirror... detective Don... on the scene... I guess eating when your mouth is numb isn't a good idea... as you might gnaw your own face off... my lip was bleeding like a mofo. I guess the moral of the story is don't chew when numb.

-Dentist Haiku-

Metal scraper thing,

most god awful sound maker,

torture in my mouth.

-Fwod-

Sammich - laziness at it's best... because it takes just a bit too much effort to say "sandwich" ...*insert ethnic humor here*

I know my boyfriend loves me because...

2008-11-18T18:35:00.002-06:00

I know my boyfriend loves me because...

He writes in his blog about my vagina.
He has tried on numerous occasions to pin me down and teabag me.
He has started to use the word “bitch” and “ho” as terms of endearment.
When the most common word in his vocabulary is “Titties!” that he yells when he sees me.
He has admitted to climaxing to the image of one of my high school prom pictures while having sex with me.

Love you too, you sick fucking prick.

Funny Brew - Smells Like Roses - Review

2008-11-17T22:41:00.006-06:00

So I'm playin' with my dick the other day, not really in a sexual manner... just batting it around a little, and my girlfriend asks me to stop.... I ask "Why?"... she contemplates, then explains "Because your hands will smell like your dick." I decide to get a whiff of what I've been smackin' against her and I joke that it "smells great" ... so I stick my hand down to camel tow-n and take a big whiff........... Jesus christ it smelt heavenly... I never knew vagina could smell so good... Yeah, I think there was some sort of perfume involved... because I stuck my nose all up in that and it smelt like a goddamned bed of roses. If a pussy usually had this aroma my head would constantly be buried in one... anyway guys... all I'm saying is... you should get my woman to sprinkle some of that fairy dust shit on your woman's vadge. The scent of my woman's manly part eater gets a 72 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven.

Funny Brew - Two men and a baby - News

2008-11-15T20:48:00.005-06:00

So I was at my second job which is an event to wake up for as it requires I wake up at four in the friggin morning, but I serve coffee to a bunch of retarded fuckers who don't mind paying five bucks for a cup of joe. Anyway, I digress, So me, gay guy and a couple of 2/3 factors (women - it's science) are standing around talking. Some how we get on the subject of this he-she who is having a baby... which is weird, if gay folks want to have a baby... fuckin adopt... a man shootin out a baby is quite the freakshow I'd imagine. So anyway this he-she's Lover (also a he-she) is gettting treatment so he can breast feed this poor fucking infant. That's pretty fuckin sick... I guess what I'm getting at is at is gay guys, I get it, fuck as many dudes assholes as you want... leaves the single men in the world more women to get at, I couldn't care less... but if you were born with a penis, breastfeeding a baby is goddamned disgusting, and you should be forced to bang the butthole of a bee infested honey-cove if you do it.

Funny Brew - Hate Blog - Light Bulbs - Haikus

2008-11-14T08:26:00.007-06:00

I've never really noticed this until now, but one of my biggest pet peeves is when a light bulb goes out. What the fuck is that all about really? it's too fucking good suddenly to illuminate an area for me. The fucking thing has to work for like 2 hours a day... tops. Pretty tough fucking life. I think the next time a light bulb goes out. I'm going to smash it, and stuff the jagged little pieces up my ass. So my mental and physical discomfort are on the same wavelength.

Light Bulb Haiku

Little white bitch light,

Path which one wants you to walk,

Light my asshole blood.

Funny Brew - Fwod - Fake Word of Day - RGB

2008-11-13T21:58:00.005-06:00

RGB -Are you ready to go on Break? This can be switched up in quite a few ways. Any words beginning with the letters R, G, and B. Every Variation of this means the same thing... Let's ditch this piece of donkey covered shit.

Examples:

1) Red, Gock, Blood?

2) Rag, Gunt, Boob?

3) Rat, Gay, Butt?

or something much more innocent...

Russia, Guam, Bulgaria?

Yeah, it's a good way to ditch a person without them knowing.

Bonus FWODS---

Gock - A fatman's fleshy area between the gut, and the cock,

Gunt - Same thing, except this person should have tits

Funny Brew - How to be a dick - Working Well With Others - Bad Advice

2008-11-06T21:19:00.008-06:00

What seems to be a lost art at FunnyBrew is making an appearance today. It's the how to be a dick advice column. A couple things happened at work, that provoked some sincere assholish thoughts.

1. If someone is telling you about how a friend got shitcanned, just smile thinking (it helps if you say it out loud) "I never liked that guy anyway."

2. Make a lot of "That's what she said" Jokes. This might not make you a dick, but it will certainly make you annoying. So, when your friend says "Yeah it's just nice to see Telfair getting to the hole that quickly. The finishing will come later" Don't hold back, just let your inner Steve Carrell fly.

3. Politics, remember it's the truth, everybody is an asshole, but, get creative. You actually like Barack Obama's political views... He's just so goddamned black.

4. Fuck, this one came so naturally... I'm an asshole... When a passerby whom you barely know says "Tsup?" and you give the natural "How's it going?" and they actually have something to say just don't care what follows. No one gives a shit about your ex-wife, or finding your lost baby... stop fucking crying, your an adult male for christ sake... I don't even know you.... Next week I hope an Aids infested monkey bites your grandma's tits off.

That pretty much sums this one up, I hope you're much less likable for reading it!

Funny Brew Haiku - Election Day Haikus

2008-11-04T21:00:00.004-06:00

Barack Obama,

Mccain's sore sad faced pooper,

Jerk off on ballots.

Ralph Nader again,

Time to give up old sphincter,

Can't ruin another.

Florida balloting,

Old folks need to be deceased,

Grandpa can't read? Last Breath.

Show Me Your Nature Tits!

2008-11-03T09:27:00.003-06:00

----Fwod----

Nature Tits - Nature that is so fuckin' hot you want to rub your schlong in it... Or leave a massive snail trail on it.

<-----Here's an example picture... I've such a raging nature boner right now...This, this is what God motorboats.

Funny Brew Music Review - Bon Iver - Dooby Doo Skinny Love - Haiku

2008-10-29T23:27:00.007-05:00

Click the title to watch a video for "Skinny Love" Live.

So my girlfriend went to school with this dude. So, I really tried to like this music, but to me the most impressive thing is how this guy manages to sound like he got kicked in the nad's for extended periods of time... with no apparent nad kicking going on at all... The song "Skinny Love" is actually starting to grow on me, like some sort of weird fungus... but seriously this guy should consider using his man voice more. 36 of 72 Virgins in Heaven. If you like the thought of getting kicked in the balls, you'll probably like this music.

Nad Kickin Haiku

Holyfuck this hurts,

Babymakers be painin'

Please god make it stop.

Wiener Chase Fwod for Pecker... Manana

2008-10-26T20:29:00.006-05:00

The ultimate weiner chase ending in a wicked nice hand job, awesome cumshot. I've received this indirectly through my fiancee's mother.

FWOD----

Manana - (banana but with an M) - A large penis.

Example sentence - Don and John are hung like pimples, but Adam has one helluva Manana. (goddamned Indians get all the glory)

Indian - stupid man's term for Native American.

You know how the game goes

2008-10-24T03:10:00.004-05:00

MEGA LIEbral ELECTION HAIKUS 2K8

Eat my shit Palin
You retarded pro-life bitch
Wish someone flushed you

UnAmerican
Right-wing McCarthyism
Go back to church bitch

Shitty fucking ads
T.V. sucks assholes , welp
Back to jacking off

T.V. news is bad
Old folk brain-washed by Fox news
Die already mongs

Mid-America
Hurf-Durf I fucked my sister
I also hate blacks

Me am love Mccain
Me love guns and Jesus Christ
Me love ARE COUNTRY

I've been drunk for 7 days straight , GODDAMNIT I CAN'T WAIT TILL THIS FUCKING ELECTION IS OVER.