Seasons don't fear the reaper?

Some 9 year old kid was banned from his baseball league because he can throw 40 mph. What the hell is going on with this "give everyone a trophy" bullshit? I remember some kids were way better than everybody else growing up. This story makes me want to stab every parent who complains that their loser kid doesnt get enough time on the field/court. Sports can be fun and teach kids... but there are winners AND losers. Lets not let the next generation of kids be complete pussies becuase they cant handle losing. Don and I lost every game of basketball in our league when we were 11 and only one of us turned out to be a full fledged criminal.

Oh Snatch!

The olympics are pretty boring and fortunately are over. There was some quality quotes worth mentioning.

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warmup and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents... especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst : "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have i just said?"

Home Beer Brewer Haiku

Home brewed beer I fear,
one batch great, the next vomit,
choose factory beer.

Fun Quotes from Dad

Fun Quote from my dad: at a Timberwolves game years ago...

*Points to the smallest cheerleader/dancer on the floor and looks at me all serious like*

"You know what they call that Deej?"

*I shake my head no*

"They call that a spinner, cause you can plop them on your dick and just spin 'em around"
*Making spinning motions*

...We had great seats that night and were surrounded by people with some scorrilla... it made for an awkward moment.

FunnyBrew Reviews - Steve Martin is Not Gay- Born Standing Up

I've always thought the less I know about something before diving into it the better I will think it is. That being said I knew way too much about this book and had extremely high expectations going in. I was left with a very flaccid dick as I found out in this book that Steve Martin is not gay. I was definitely expecting more humor as I have read his fictional books and was thinking of Steve naked the whole time. The pictures in this book were not revealing at all. I want to have sex with Steve Martin.... but not Steve Martin the weird looking hippie. I'd give this book the finger.... right up Steve's Ass. It earns 46 out of 72 virgins in heaven... all of which are apparently straight.

Funny Things to do in an Elevator

1. Take farting to the next level, actually poop yourself.
2. Start Itching your genitals vigorously if anybody asks... tell 'em about that hooker.
3. Just spend the entire day in there... drinking heavily.
4. Air guitar... ya friggin' geek... encourage others to sing along while you rock out.
   
5. Read a book aloud, preferably the children's book "Everybody Poops"
   

Something you shouldn't do.

Can somebody tell me what is wrong with this video? For one we can tell she can't handle her booze to well. Another thing is I did not see any other girl in that garage. Just those two things can spell for a "What did I do last night" disease. Come on, sometimes it is just made easy, always remember to at least bring a friend.

Maybe next time Jeffy blacks out while drinking can be the sequel to this.

No Shit

I know that really this should be posted as a comment on Donnyhawk's post, but I wanted to add my own, so fuck all you punk ass bitches.

Fuck every athlete
Fuck every team owner
Fuck every sports columnist

Just because U.S.A. is able spread their workload over a bigger pool of better talent, that doesn't detract from what is really going on. Like DH said, it's up to these grown men to decide to play or not. They want to support their country and help it be proud of itself.
Soldiers do that and they die. A 32 year old ugly ass millionaire with a broken foot hardly compares to a dead 20 year old who's widow has to blow guys for mac n' cheese now that he's not able to support their kids.
Anyone who has the fucking balls to care at all about sports injuries to multimillion dollar athletes who are actually using their superb talent to an end that brings pride instead of raping girls in Utah should be fucking kicked in the crotch until bleeding.
I love basketball. I will still love it after the Olympics. But these players are no different that the guy who picks up my trash or the guy who mops the floor at the local gas station. They are men with jobs. If they actually have enough pride to do their jobs and not leave it to their co-workers, good for them.
In sports there is always a fresh, new, hot, bad ass, whatever and the fact that these guys get to play a game they love, make tons of money, get a FREE college education, and represent their country in a world competition is a great thing. Worrying about whether or not Cuban's ass-penny team will make it to the finals just taints that in a way that makes me ashamed.
Did you ever work sick or hurt?
Did they write a column of 'what's your boss gonna do' about it?

Fuck all these assholes.

To every athlete who cares more about their team than themselves, if it matters or not,
Some of us are proud of you.


P.S. Does anyone really even like Ginobili?

FunnyBrew is annoyed... so listen up fuckers.

Click the article title or here to read what made my nipples grow hairs of fury in just minutes. Where do all of these sports columnists get off deciding when these grown fuckin' men play Basketball? It's not these governments that are "forcing" these NBA players to play in these games. The Players WANT to play. Last I checked the Argentinian government wasn't a bunch of oppressive hate mongers. Whiny Ginobili wanted to friggen play, that's why he was on the court. God forbid this little greasy bastage wanted to play for the love of the game. Anyhow, give it a rest ya sports columnist(s) who have a vadge where your schlong should be.

FunnyBrew Reviews - Lars and the Real Girl

This is a severely underrated movie, I saw this movie several months ago but must say it sits in my memory like a sex doll that is yet to be fucked. Ryan Gosling (the pile of feces from "The Notebook") Really brings the crazy in this one. He plays a delusional guy that falls in love with a sex doll. It's funny, but I must admit to feeling a bit sad at times... even though this butt-nugget was in love with a sex doll...bizzarre and highly recommended 66 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven.

FunnyBrew Fwod - Chug - Chinese Underage Gymnasts - Haiku included

Chug - one of those underage Chinese gymnasts.

Example sentence: "I Dined at the Y with a chug."

...Not sure why people decided these girls look young... All Chinese people look the same. Whether they are 15 or 60, male or female. Okay I'm only kidding I love All people and the Chinese are no different.... but seriously they all look the same.... but I love 'em... but they look very similar.

Extra food for thought here: I know I'm only about 2.37 inches erect... but... I'm yet to see a well endowed Chinese man.... and I watch a LOT of porn.


Chinese Haiku

Ping pong pow spoon drop
Rockin test tube baby Yao
Damn that dick is small.

Funny Brew Haiku - Renaissance festival

Knights nope just homos,
Joust? Wrestling? I wish you'd die.
Call us nerds now cry.

FunnyBrew Reviews - Pineapple Express

I done saw this shit on Saturday and must say it fucking disappoints me...at least in the beginning . I think the average 15 year old pothead would think this was the greatest Goddamned thing since dry-humping your girlfriend until your chaffed dick starts bleeding. However, I thought the beginning of this movie was slow, and not really entertaining. That being said, when people started dying I started laughing my ass off. Maybe I'm just that twisted... because other people were laughing at the beginning, and not so much at the deaths... I guess it's just kinda funny to see Seth Rogens fat ass beat up on people. Anyhow, I would say this is a pretty decent flick and give it 56 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven.

FunnyBrew Reviews - Bob Saget Roast

Mostly because I'm not a creative person I have decided to start posting reviews of other "funny" shit and raping small kittens (so tight). Anyhow, being that the Comedy Central Roast of Bob Saget was tonight I figured I may as well start with this turd. It certainly gave me a boner to see all these members of full house again... and I was thrilled to hear some half-assed famous person use the phrase "You got it dude" in a reference to raping an Olsen twin as I have been trying to bring back "you got it dude" for at lease a month or two now. Anyhow, the majority of this roast was pretty funny, although it's highs were not quite as good as the roast of Flavor Flave... It's lows weren't quite as bad either, although, Norm Mcdonald should've had his dick put in to a pencil sharpener for his shitty performance. Anyhow this is definitely worth checking out if your channel surfing and it's on. I'd give it 61 out of a possible 72 virgins in heaven. It would have scored higher if Stamos and that old bag would've fucked.

Edit: It turns out Norm's jokes were all originally Bob Sagets. Which is kinda funny.

Jim Brewer , Creepy D and The Chick

Horrible picture from the past , I have shitloads more but no fucking scanner. :(

Edit: Put a few old pics up here

Barack Rick Rolled

Barack Obama's never gonna let you down. Okay, honestly just the music video by itself makes me laugh.

Most Historic Shit Ever

This shit weighed about 16.3 courics... here are the moments leading up to the shit smelt 'round the world..

Flaming cigarette in pinks hair.

I've recently decided to try to fend of the urge of cancer sticks... and so far have been unable to replace them with actual thin white cocks to suck on... So I've been pretty crabby lately... And then I saw this fucking dumb trash on my.yahoo homepage... "Pink" who pissed me off with her shitty "music" has now made me want to slam her in her ugly fuckin' cranium with a baseball bat because of this dumb picture, and the group of assholes who actually seem to give a fuck (click the title to be enraged) It's odd that I write in this blog a couple times a week and I get pissed at this type of shit... Anyhow, when a person who is quitting smoking looks at this picture... this is what they want to happen...

• Get hit by a car, it'd be a joy to watch her facial expressions in slow-mo.
• Time lapse video of her dying of skin cancer on the riding lawnmower
• Walking into the picture with a shotgun and shooting her in the fucking head.
• Removing a blade from the lawnmower, and sawing her to death with it.

Fuck I want a cigarette.

Go Favre Away From Here

The pic is so nice we had to use it twice.... I figured as a blogger that considers himself a sports fan I should probably post something about this lifelong fudge-unpacker Brett Favre. One can only hope the Madden curse lives on here. It'll teach this cocky hick to shut up and stay retired. Anyhow the way I see it he's got three options.

1. Play behind Rodgers until week 3 when Rodgers is hurt.

2. Get traded to the Vikes and have every Pack fan hate him for years.

3. Cry himself to permanent sleep because no one wants his old addicted to pain killers ass on their team.

What'll probably actually happen is that the once Green Bay Packer aka "fudgepacker" will become a Tamba Bay Buccaneer aka "fuckinqueer"


Fun Fact:
You can make any team name a little gay by adding ass before the nickname.

• NY AssGiants
• AZ AssCardinals
• OAK AssRaiders
• DAL Asscowboys - probably my fave

They should have a NFLGAy ...the sole function of this association would be to kill puppies.


By the way... ain't nuttin wrong with being a lil gay. (we know you fuck dudes)

Supermans Dead

A quick "tip" on how to be a dick....

Talk shit about all religions with no remorse.



That being said, if you fear God but still fuck around a lot... I have found the answer for you.................................Blankets! That dude can't see you touching yourself unless your uncovered and your wiener is pointing towards the heavens.

FWOD:
Gryptonite - being able to stroke it under the covers cause god can't see.

Messy afterbirth.... is underwear the equivalent if a dick blanket? Cause I jerk off in the car a lot.

No more FB while working.

I thought I would check in on what has been posted here while at work. No go. Looks like Funnybrew.com is being added to block lists for work places. Nice job, you now have become one of the many sites that people can't cyberloaf on.

Also heard a Jew joke that I thought I would put in.

Whats the difference between a jew and a canoe?
One tips.

Yea lame but I fear the corner of my mind where Jeff would go for jokes. It just is scary and contains a bin of dead baby jokes that should not come out.