Stolen by Point Guard

I recently "stumbled upon" this joke... I seem to know a lot of these people.

DAILY THOUGHT: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING, BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

If you click the title of this story there is a link to a couple other good jokes.

Racial Slurs

So, I was watching the Godfather last night and decided my new favorite line in a movie is when Robert Duvall is called a "dago, guinea, wop, greaseball goombah... kraut, mick friend." by the movie producer. It serves as a great refresher that the more racial slurs that are in a movie... the better it is.... or maybe the slurs had nothing to do with it... I'm undecided... Anyway it's a highly reccommended line, and movie... and if you haven't seen it yet you should tatoo a vagina on your dick... because it is no longer of use to you.

PS if you're offended by any of this don't be, as I'm a dumb honkey... and NOT a racist... I just think we need to laugh at ourselves from time to time... "we're the all singing all dancing crap of the world" - Brad Pitt, Fight Club

Funny Haiku - CakeFart - Poo - Direct Link to Video!

CakeFart... we laughed Hard,
Baked goods and a nekked ass,
Great sounds... won't make lard.

Jokes

I heard a good joke today.

Due to certain agreements/threats made to my person I can't repeat it here, however I would like to share a different joke. One that Adam didn't tell me.


What's worse than finding half of a worm in your apple?



Getting Raped


Your welcome.

"kick me, Kike me. but don't you black or white me"

-MJ

Difference of Opinion

I just have to take a moment and say

Children should be seen and not................Fucked.

I could not disagree more.

I personally feel that children should not be seen ever unless it is while being fucked.



"In the poker game of life, Women are the fucking rake."

-Worm

Poopular Proverbs

• Better to be safe than................................Stupid.

• You can lead a horse to water but...........can you lead Jon's Jewish ass away from money?

• Don't bite the hand that............................just wiped an ass.

• No news is...................................................Jeff's life.

• A miss is as good as a.................................2/3rds of a Mr.

• You can't teach an old dog new.................ways to lick itself.

• An idle mind is.............................................about to watch some porn.

• Where there's smoke there's.....................pot, 'round most of my friends.

• Happy the bride who..................................has had premarital sex.

• A penny saved is.........................................a penny wasted when you're dead.

• Two's company, three's..............................boiyiyiying.

• Don't put off till tomorrow what................you could probably tap today.

• Children should be seen and not................Fucked.

• If at first you don't succeed.........................poop on it.

• Never underestimate the power of............DracuLee --- show me your teet(h)s.

• Better late than................ having that awkard aborted fetus hangin around.
  

Act of God

This warranty is not transferable. This warranty does not apply in cases of abuse or misuse of the product, use contrary to Shure’s instruction, ordinary wear and tear, an act of God, negligent use, purchase from a party other than Shure or a Shure-authorized reseller, unauthorized repair, or modification of the product.

This is a real warranty, from shure.com

Do People really think that God came down and wrecked their headphones??!?

Basketball By Smokers

Listen to Glove's - Shootin' Hoops

Some buddies and I shot about 4 hours worth of hoops the yesterday, causing supreme pain in my body. Being a smoker their were several times in a heated game of 21 I thought a lung had collapsed which would explain the difficulty breathing. Anyhow, the four of us playing are all supremely out of shape, so it made for good competition. I thought I'd give a brief bio on the ballers.

C- sack - A 6'4" 265 pounder was the rebound hound... although he can't shoot once he rebounds the fact that he can get about 5-6 offensive reebs per posesh was enough to be an equalizer.... so what if his vertical is about 3". Also his testicle kneeing ability came in handy.
50% winner.

Mr. Blueveins aka Darlene from Roseanne- The most out of shape individual out there this weekend...With about a 5" vertical this 5'10" 185 pounder is an incredibly inept inside scorer... with an okay at best jumper... His greatest strength was not trying at all until the rest of us were dead tired...however this strategy meant that he won 0 games.

AD - A 5'8" 190 pound midget hailing from MN is probably the most in shape of the group. His incredible 9" vertical stands out against the competition, probably the best inside scorer of the group... However, being 5'8 doesn't always bode well for the inside game.... He did reject the shit out of C-sack on this day... which was hilarious. 33% winner.

FunnyBrew.com- Standing 5'11 220 pounds and crawling at about 3' after b-ball (due to exhaustion) my spectacular 7" vertical was enough to manage 1 block in four hours of hoops. Probably the sweatiest player... this white boy could pass as an ape... greatest strength maybe ball handling... lord knows I get a lot of practice... This skill may come in handy If I could shoot off the dribble. However, my skill to forget my phone at the park was unsurpassed. 33% winner

I wish I had video of this horrendous b-ball endeavor to post, maybe next time. It was a lot of fun. Don't ask about the math on the percentages... it is correct.

Don't Kill The Jews

What's with being on my ass about titles?

You know I smoke pot everyday.

Top Reasons "AD" Doesn't Post.

• He's too busy trying to locate his miniscule penis.
• He hasn't finished his last round of golf as he has 11,236 strokes and counting.... Give him a break, it's a par 71 course.
• He's embarassed what his kids might think.
• His Xbox 360 has not broke yet... leaving him no time for anything else.
• He's less creative than Freddie Mercury... and that guy is dead.
• He probably "shouldn't have drank so much"
• It's his turn, He's pissing.
• Maybe he has a life... although I'm seriously doubting that.
  

I'll give Jeff the money thing. These assholes make way too much money for what they do and then have the nerve to complain at all. If you're making 20million dollars to put a leather ball in an iron hoop, you essentially agree never to be upset about anything. A lot of people would rape their own mother for a ham sandwich and these fucknecks are bitching about only being able to have 6 cars. Fuck 'em. Fuck 'em til they dead as my faith in god or my government.

That being said, anytime you're given a chance to watch someone excel at something that you find enjoyable, it's fulfilling.

I'm not near the sports fan that Don and Adam are, let alone the football fan, but I can relate in another fashion. Music. I LOVE music. All kinds of music. Except the fucking 80's soundtrack shit Jeff passes around town like a schwag joint. No high, just headache. If I'm afforded the chance to watch someone create masterful music, I do it. Watching someone just pwn the shit out of something is an awe inspiring feeling, and some of these atheles are that calibur. (See: The Beatles)

I will concede we, and I do intentionally include myself it that, take it too far. It's easy to get hurt feelings over someone not understanding my Steve Nash man crush, or my intense hatred for Favre even though I don't know either guy to any degree other than via television, but I still take it personally when people challenege my feelings on them.

Pro sports are a fantastic combonation of competition, skill, knowledge, luck, and talent. Watching all of these things come together to make up the game is an incredible thing. Even though from time to time you get punished by waiting for Don or Adam to finish their madden game before you can play rock band for 6 fucking hours, it's not the end of the world, and the enjoyment from sports far outweighs the punishment.

Plus...

Jeff, you're a total bitch fag, and you'll never understand sports because you have a vagina where your cock should be and a thinner mustache than Erik's ex-girlfriend.

When you turn into a man repost you stinky french asshole.

u r teh suk! L8R n00B!!!

Superfan #99 over here

Televised sports suck , there I said it.

In ancient times sports were all about watching criminals and the mentally handicapped disembowel each other in front of a cheering audience or greasing yourself up and running like fuck around a track, dong flapping in the wind.

Today, millions of people line up to watch fat guys push each other up and down a field for 3 hours , taking breaks every few seconds to make sure everyone's alright or to see if anyone needs a refreshment.

These annoying degenerates make millions upon millions of dollars to play with various balls and several forms of homoerotic tackling ,where once athletes were payed with enough coins for food and a place to live.

Hockey and other sports with fighting can be fun to watch at times but the horrible injuries are too few and far between. When finally someone does get hurt badly they always go to a commercial in case the family of the injured doesn't want to see daddy spray blood from his neck into the horrified clapping audience , total boner killer.

I will admit that at times a sports based video game can be damn fun , with the exception of pretty much any football game.
True to real-life , football video games move at the pace slower than the old retarded man who entertains children at my local burger king but with much less of a payoff at the end (He sings happy birthday in a ghastly warbling tone , awesome!).

Being the victim during many a night of Don and Adams' football obsession , I can make a few guesses as to why people might like football:

1.Being indoctrinated into the horrible shit at a young age.(sup religious people)
2.Being a statistics nerd.(fucking mmo games , I share this pain sometimes ;_;)
3.Some people actually enjoy it for what it is (jesus christ way too many people like this shit for the reason not to be sinister)
4.homo

I'll just wrap this up by saying I would rather get a paper cut on my dick than watch a football game in full.

Best Holiday Ever

Okay, so I'm not a big fan of most holidays. They're usually a bunch of build up for just way too much let down. It's like dropping a dookie on your school teachers desk chair when she has stepped out of the classroom.... only to have her find it before sitting in your shit... Someday, someone will become your poopsibling* okay, anyway... The best holidays are the ones you create for yourself, now if you're like Mr. Blueveins, well you create that personal holiday everyday. Congrats good sir. Anyhow, Just wanted to give props to the jolly fat bastard John Madden... for bringing me hours of joy every mid-August for the past 20 years.

Here is a timeline that I have planned for August 12, 2009. (pretty similar to the last 20 years)
12 am - Go buy madden, a frozen pizza, lots of Mountain Dew... (already stocked on beer)
12:15 am - start playing madden.
3 am - have my franchise ready to be started.
6 am - done playing, off to bed
6:07 am - playing again "can't sleep" - it's a fucking lie... just can't justify being up that late/early
9:33 am - Fall asleep, one too many beers... controller still in hand
1:52 pm - Wake up, I feel like shit... probably should shower (I don't)... look at the TV... happy there is no burn in.... Fuck... I'm at my own half yard line thanks to several hours of "delay of game" penalties... Cool it's 3rd and 78 ... well, better finish this game!
2:17 pm - unable to recover from my 3 and 78 fiasco... I lose my second game of the season
2:18 pm - Start making a pizza
2:25 pm - it's not done yet, eat it anyway
2:28 pm - back to Madden thank christ I don't work today.
11:59 pm - still playing
4:02 am next day - I'm asleep... no doubt getting called for delay of game penalties.
The next work day starts around 1030 am... I can't wait to get home and play madden before the work day even begins.
Moral: fake holidays are better than the real thing usually... but the day after sucks.
* FWOD - Poopsibling = much similar to a blood brother or sister... except you smear poo on eachother instead of blood...

Creeping up a tad-
Pole wanting to fuck riding
In the S U V

Show me your tits!

Well, Jeff said to show tits or get the fuck out...okay, I can comply with that. Here you go :)

Post Uno

In honor of stupendously gay photos that jeff and don put up, my first post is dedicated to those.

My Coldplay albums
What happened to my ball sack?
I've grown labia

Mustache showdown

Oops I Did It Again...

I murdered your kid....I'm not that innocent

It's getting hot in here... so go drown a dog.

Handlebar mustaches are great, don't you think?

You Monster

My 4th of July
A series of Haiku's by Mr.Blueveins

Drink Responsible
Goddamn you brought some whiskey
Shame for family

Shitty role model
Piss drunk lighting fireworks off
REMEMBER THIS KIDS

Thanks for the drinks miss
I totally lost count now
Who the fuck are you?

Now I am blacked out
Selling internet tablets?
I hope I'm not nude

In car going home
My mouth will not stop talking
Sleep in the front yard

Puked on my own hand
The Fly starring Jeff Goldbloom
Smells like a pizza

Sleep for twelve hours
Jesus Christ I'm a dumbass
Oh cool some whiskey

Blasphemy

What did Abraham say to Jesus?



...I'm older than you, Bitch!