My Boyfriend's Bathroom Habits

They say everything you know you learn in kindergarten. Well, my kindergarten teacher never told me, but my boyfriend has since told me, a must have in the bathroom while taking a dump is a laptop. Yes, my fellow bloggers, it is very well possible that some of the posts you read here today have been posted from the throne itself. Meanwhile the author gives himself a small brain aneurysm while squeezing out a log the size of a loaf of bread that I so graciously plunge out later. I wish this was the only poo habit of his that blows my mind but the fact that he is absolutely the only person I know that wipes standing up...well, that's just crazy shit, man. I mean seriously, who the fuck does that other than my 2 year-old cousin that's being potty trained?

The way he pees is mostly normal for the most part but recently he told me how much he loves the cabinets above the toilet in our new apartment because he can lean against them. I'm not sure if he just thinks his penis is so monstrous that he needs something to lean on while he does curls with his little pink johnson, or merely the imitation of a nap it brings because taking a pee is so extremely exhausting.

Since I was clearly a virgin when I met him (cough), I can't help but wonder about another one of his bathroom habits. Weekly picking scabs off his penis seems to be a Sunday night ritual right after his must see episode of Flavor of Love. Don't get me wrong, I love him so much that rubbing cream on his puss weeping wounds really doesn't phase me much.

I guess in the grand scheme of things, bathroom habits really are just a small part in a relationship. I should be thankful that I have such a caring and wonderful boyfriend that only beats me twice a week, and brings interesting new adventures into the relationship like golden showers and rimjobs.