<![CDATA[Funny Brew]]> http://www.funnybrew.com/index.html?cq=1 en-us Fri, 13 Jun 2008 05:34:30 GMT <![CDATA[HI KU 4U]]> http://www.funnybrew.com/index.html?cq=1&p=48 Through a pile of greenish poo,
Snatched a buck o' two.

]]> Fri, 13 Jun 2008 05:34:30 GMT <![CDATA[The H is O]]> http://www.funnybrew.com/index.html?cq=1&p=47 How to be a dick advice.

So I was rocking out to Glenn Frey's "The Heat is On" Today and it reminded me of a great way to be a dick.

1. Wait for the first of your friends to fall asleep

2. Turn on Glenn Frey's "The Heat is On"

3. Turn up Glenn Frey's "The Heat is On"

4. Place a space heater with in 2 feet of the sleeping person's head. (Not close enough to set his/her/the baby's head on fire... just enough to make it feel like it.)

5. Enjoy basking in another person's misery.
]]> Thu, 12 Jun 2008 03:50:45 GMT <![CDATA[Keep the format please]]> http://www.funnybrew.com/index.html?cq=1&p=46 The Message

A poem

By Jeffrey


Does anyone even read this site?

Of course not.

No updates for weeks on end out of spite.



For the past 3 months i've been trying to think of something to write...

Until now I thought I could write something.

Can I write something good?

Kick-start my brain goddamn you caffeine.

So maybe this seems a bit harder than it should.


Damn this site!

Ulcers form in my tightly-wound gut while I futilely look for content.

Digging deeper into my mind I still find nothing.

Enough , end this. What was my intent?

Sucks that I couldn't think of anything.



Utter fucking nonsense

By Jeffrey


Hey Motherfucks , are you ready for an update??? NO?! WELL FUCK YOU , YOU WILL READ THIS AND YOU WILL LIKE IT OR SO HELP ME I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE THE NEXT TIME YOU FUCKING SLEEP.


I have recently put myself through a glorious mind-altering , fucked up diet consisting of 3 pots of coffee a day and enough swedish snus and cigarettes to make my piss smell like a fucking Denny's restaurant for months to come.

"Why have you done this?" you may ask me , The answer of course would be "Because I'm fucking bored" , but aside from that I would have to say that having your mind move 400mph almost non-stop for 2 weeks while you sit alone in an empty house bored fuckless is a super way to learn more about yourself , I will now list a few examples of this.


Breakfast

*Me Thinking what to have*

(In my mind): Hmmm pancakes sound good... nah fuck that , too lazy. oatmeal. yes , I will have oatmeal

*puts oatmeal in microwave , some beeping noises occur* BEEP BOOP BEEP

*total silence for 5 seconds*

(In my mind): holy fuck i can feel blood going into my head fuck fcuk fuck we're all going to die someday holy shit goddamn fuck I can hear a helicopter what if it crashes into my house and decapitates me fuck SO FUCKING VULNERABLE.*cowers under a table*


10am

*My Grandma is talking about Barack Obama or something*

(In my mind):Holy shit I hope I never fall down the stairs

Grandma: ..... and then they'll make us slaves for payback.

Me: uh huh.

Grandma: In your lifetime the mexicans will force you to learn spanish or else you can't get a job.

Me: uh huh.

(In my mind): gotta piss , jesus fuck I hope I don't fall down the stairs.


2pm:

*Browsing internet , reading something about space*

(In my mind):Holy shit space is fucking crazy!

*thinks about how big the sun is compared to us*

(In my mind): fuck!

*thinks about how our galaxy has 400 billion stars , many MUCH larger than our sun*

(in my mind): FUCK FUCK

*thinks about that fucked up hubble deep-field telescope image* edit:http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/2f/Hubble_ultra_deep_field.jpg

(in my mind) MUST RUN

*thinks about how far in every direction space goes , get wicked vertigo , have to sit down*

*15 seconds of total hopelessness pass*

*looks at some porn site ad*

(in my mind) whoa! that chick is way fucking hot , time to slap the old woodland creature around.


2:30pm - 11:00pm

I have no fucking clue , some kind of bizarre psychotic online videogame shit would be a good guess.



12am

*Notices that it's midnight , tries to guess day.... is 4 days off*


12:01am - 7am

*notices how incredibly tense my muscle are*

*shutters at every unexpected sound*


9am

*opens window and is blinded by sunlight*


12pm

*passes out sitting in a chair*


12:10pm

*wakes up in complete terror , runs up and down stairs for 5 minutes until exhaustion sets back in*

*falls asleep in bed*


12:45pm

note: T is my friend from childhood

*sleeping soundly , a bizarre voice is getting louder and louder in my dream*


T: FUKIN WAKE UP YOU LITTLE BITCH WHAT ARE THE CHEAT CODES

Me: unmhnh thuth tuht.......WHAT?!!

T: TRY MY BEEF JERKY DUDE I MADE IT

Me: holy fuck dude I just got to sleep

T: DAOW I'M LONELY DUDE

*throws beef jerky at my face*

T: FUKIN EAT IT YO

*I eat the beef jerky*

T: HOW IS IT? DONT FUCKIN LIE , I KNOW YOU

Me: IT'S FINE , LET. ME. SLEEP.

T:YOU HATE IT


*SILENCE*


*now totally woken up , I watch T play a stupid videogame for 3 fucking hours*


5pm

*helping my aunt lift an old cedar chest*

*lifts underneath and is horrified by squishing feeling , notices about 7000 spider egg sacs under the chest*


Me: I am never fucking sleeping again.



Pretty sure I went to sleep soon after this , this was only 5 days into the 2-3 weeks i've been doing this shit , needless to say that getting horribly twisted by caffeine , nicotine and booze for weeks on end is a lot of fun.




BONUS SAGE-LIKE ADVICE FROM MY DAD

"IF WOMEN DIDN'T HAVE A PUSSY THE TRASHCANS WOULD BE FULL OF THEM"

]]> Wed, 11 Jun 2008 05:29:18 GMT <![CDATA[Entry for June 06, 2008]]> http://www.funnybrew.com/index.html?cq=1&p=45
Black athletic men,
Honkey just shot a three ball,
Seven foot Asian?


Been a long time since we've rocked a Fwod

Rape Machine - A self powered mechanical device that fucks you whether you like it, or not.*

* - You can't rape the willing. (and librarian's can't take credit for this comment.)



]]> Fri, 06 Jun 2008 05:39:55 GMT <![CDATA[Joke for May 25, 2008]]> http://www.funnybrew.com/index.html?cq=1&p=42
Question: Whats worse than an apple with a worm in it?
Answer: Getting raped.
]]> Mon, 26 May 2008 03:52:11 GMT <![CDATA[Baby Jesus killer (haiku)]]> http://www.funnybrew.com/index.html?cq=1&p=41

Is abortion wrong?
Nine Baby Jesus comebacks,
Foiled by brain sucking.
]]> Tue, 13 May 2008 04:03:02 GMT <![CDATA[The exploding head]]> http://www.funnybrew.com/index.html?cq=1&p=40
A:What the hell happened ?

J:Dude committed suicide , shot himself in the head..
My mom heard some gunshot and saw the dude looking all fucked up in his backyard , cops came and set up a bigass corpse hiding tent thing.
The whole fuckin street was a morbid crazy circus of excited neighbors.
Got to see tunas wife , seems nice enough.

A:Awesome ! Did she try to eat the brain chunks ?

J:my mom IS known for her insatiable lust for human brains , sadly that would've fucked up the crime scene.
When me , tuna and his wife were checking out the corpse tent from my backyard my grandma came out and said "OH WOW CAN YOU SEE THE BODY????" loud as fuck and i way fucking laughed in front of my neighbors.
]]> Mon, 12 May 2008 16:51:49 GMT <![CDATA[Oral leakage]]> http://www.funnybrew.com/index.html?cq=1&p=38 Oral Leakage is a Fwod for Verbal diarrhea...you get it from being stupid... Or frequent visits to Funny Brew. I thought about including a photo for this fwod, but some things are better left not pictured... I'd rather you just imagine a turd falling out of someones mouth rather than having to view it.... I mean wasn't the poop hanging on the toilet gross enough?

Example sentence: Charles Barkley's oral leakage was so intense that Dwayne Wade refused to kiss him... with the exception of his penis.
]]> Wed, 07 May 2008 05:23:48 GMT <![CDATA[Fwods for April 10, 2008]]> http://www.funnybrew.com/index.html?cq=1&p=37
Vagenius: This variation of the word vagina, refers to an intelligent woman's clit.

Vajesus: Again a variation of vagina, this refers to a very religious woman's vaj, typically a virgin's.

Props to Sir Charles W and Master (Matty) P for thinking about vaginas all day long.
]]> Thu, 10 Apr 2008 18:30:03 GMT <![CDATA[Here's some funny and great bad advice for the workplace!]]> http://www.funnybrew.com/index.html?cq=1&p=34 The "Brenda has a poopy butt."
Okay, this one is so easy a woman could do it. (It's what's called a joke ladies, go smash some more Oreos if you don't like it.) There are only a few steps to being well on your way to getting your coworkers to want to put your head in a vice.
1. Pretend to be a likable person.
2. Get to know your coworkers, or pretend to and just get their family members names (significant others are typically best.
3. Every day, hell maybe even once an hour, bring up how their significant other has a "poopy butt" ............for example "Say, Peter, did you know Brenda has a poopy butt?"

Extra pointers:
- If you can call this coworker at home just to tell them "Brenda has a poopy butt" you may cut down on the amount of times you must say this during the work day.
- You've gotta do this in a joking matter as to not get you head exploded in a vice... pretend to be friends with this coworker... even if the sight of him/her makes you want drink bleach.
- Get creative, own the "poopy butt"... if you're on vacation theres no telling how much this coworker would love a "your significant other has a poopy butt" postcard!

Fun fact:
I actually did this to some poor son of a bitch before...he was a really cool coworker and I was really just doing it for laughs... but it got to a point where the guy had to ask me to stop. I don't really remember how long this went on afterwards...



]]> Thu, 03 Apr 2008 05:41:52 GMT