I recently watched some fucked up footage on abortions... and it got me to thinking... I should write a haiku.


Is abortion wrong?
Nine Baby Jesus comebacks,
Foiled by brain sucking.

Here's how my friends react to a neighbor committing suicide... Rather amusing if you ask me....Which you didn't.... fuck off.

A:What the hell happened ?

J:Dude committed suicide , shot himself in the head..
My mom heard some gunshot and saw the dude looking all fucked up in his backyard , cops came and set up a bigass corpse hiding tent thing.
The whole fuckin street was a morbid crazy circus of excited neighbors.
Got to see tunas wife , seems nice enough.

A:Awesome ! Did she try to eat the brain chunks ?

J:my mom IS known for her insatiable lust for human brains , sadly that would've fucked up the crime scene.
When me , tuna and his wife were checking out the corpse tent from my backyard my grandma came out and said "OH WOW CAN YOU SEE THE BODY????" loud as fuck and i way fucking laughed in front of my neighbors.

Oral Leakage is a Fwod for Verbal diarrhea...you get it from being stupid... Or frequent visits to Funny Brew. I thought about including a photo for this fwod, but some things are better left not pictured... I'd rather you just imagine a turd falling out of someones mouth rather than having to view it.... I mean wasn't the poop hanging on the toilet gross enough?

Example sentence: Charles Barkley's oral leakage was so intense that Dwayne Wade refused to kiss him... with the exception of his penis.

Here are some Funny Word of Days!

Vagenius: This variation of the word vagina, refers to an intelligent woman's clit.

Vajesus: Again a variation of vagina, this refers to a very religious woman's vaj, typically a virgin's.

Props to Sir Charles W and Master (Matty) P for thinking about vaginas all day long.

The "Brenda has a poopy butt."
Okay, this one is so easy a woman could do it. (It's what's called a joke ladies, go smash some more Oreos if you don't like it.) There are only a few steps to being well on your way to getting your coworkers to want to put your head in a vice.
1. Pretend to be a likable person.
2. Get to know your coworkers, or pretend to and just get their family members names (significant others are typically best.
3. Every day, hell maybe even once an hour, bring up how their significant other has a "poopy butt" ............for example "Say, Peter, did you know Brenda has a poopy butt?"

Extra pointers:
- If you can call this coworker at home just to tell them "Brenda has a poopy butt" you may cut down on the amount of times you must say this during the work day.
- You've gotta do this in a joking matter as to not get you head exploded in a vice... pretend to be friends with this coworker... even if the sight of him/her makes you want drink bleach.
- Get creative, own the "poopy butt"... if you're on vacation theres no telling how much this coworker would love a "your significant other has a poopy butt" postcard!

Fun fact:
I actually did this to some poor son of a bitch before...he was a really cool coworker and I was really just doing it for laughs... but it got to a point where the guy had to ask me to stop. I don't really remember how long this went on afterwards...

Some banter from a Gmail conversation between myself and Jeff.
[23:29] don: how longs your hair now?
[23:29] Jeff: tunas dad used to call him honey all the time it creeps me the fuck out
[23:29] don: past your ass crack yet?
[23:29] don: that's fucking bizzare
[23:30] Jeff: further than my neck now
[23:30] Jeff: from front
[23:31] don: sexy gay
[23:31] Jeff: can totallly touch my balls with my hair if i try
[23:31] don: haha, so you have tried?
[23:31] Jeff: i bet i could tie my hair around my dick with some effort
[23:31] Jeff: yeah just now
[23:32] don: boneriffic
[23:32] Jeff: not my naked balls or anything
[23:34] don: awww, sad

Okay, I've been slacking a bit on getting more shtuff up... but I religiously check my sites stats via google analytics, and one of my favorite things to do is to see what search terms people used find our site...here are some of the faves!
10. "Jeff" --- awww, our rising star!
9. "poop rainbow" --- really we're searching for a poop rainbow?
8. "arbys tastes like poop"
7. "fat jokes and haikus" --- seriously who searches for that... it's the and haikus that gets me!
6. "advice to make a person feel like shit" --- that's soo damn sweet
5. "drive thru titties"
4. "jokes about poop on the wall"
3. "funny slang for pooping"
2. "fucking own family" ---glad to see we're getting our share of sick fucks.
1. "filthy cunt jokes" --- seems fitting :)

First off, my apologies as it seems I have mistakenly missed a "mundane detail" in my last entry... It should be know that in the props section Eric should be listed as "Straight Eric" or Erik without the k... ever notice k and gay rhyme? I sure did....cut your nails for Christ! If not for christ then for Tibet.... And yeah, I could go back and edit the last entry... but someone needs to tell that asshole to cut his nails!

Alright, now that's out of the way, Let's get down to business.

We've had a request for An Obama-Clinton debate, like the boc vs bod... except no one ever gave a shit. The fact is niether are George W. who runs the country like a 6 year old runs after I show him/her my penis... Anyhow, here's the breakdown.

Obama:
1.) With a name like that he should know where to find Osama (you mean Saddam had nothing to do with it?!)... to bad after he finds him they'll just hang out and play Xbox together.
2.) To quote Samuel L Jackson "nigga fell through that!" ... I presume this means we'll get to see him fall through a greenhouse... Probably because of some piece of white supremest trash though... not due to giving a foot massage to Marcellus Wallace's wife.
3.) He does not have a vagina. (It's the 2/3rds factor.)

Clinton:
1.) If you banged the prez you wouldn't necessarily be gay. *
2.) You could jerk off onto still images of the prez and not necessarily feel gay. *
3.) If you rolled up that still and stuck it up your butt breaking your Buhymen... you might not be considered gay. * **
4.) Bill would be back in the spotlight, and could maybe fuck himself another intern.... maybe a good looking one this time eh Bill? ...maybe Billy just likes the uglys.... it sure seems that way.





FWOD
Buhymen= your butt hymen dumbass.
*=(assuming you're a man, man) **=(you're fucking gay)

Valentard: This is a funny/slang term used to describe your idiot friend who managed to get involved with a man/woman just before valentines day, or any major holiday.
Valentards are primarily woman, who seek to get involved around these times... and men that are to foolish to realize she's just a holilay.

FunnyBrew.com

3. Hillary Clinton: This one is actually pretty well documented, and knowing her husbands past of using non sexual objects in a sexual manner really makes you wonder if she should be number one this list.
2. Britney Spears: I can't believe babies have made it out of there alive. Along with her mental issues this chick has one filthy cunt.
1. Rosie O'donnell: Given that lesbians usually keep their snatches pretty clean this is a bit of a surprise. This woman has a cunt like Lisa Lampanellis mouth.

disclaimer: this list is not an accurate portrayal of vaginal cleanliness... however is an accurate portrayal of how much I can't stand these women.

Today we celebrate National feces day!

It's the 10th annual National Feces day, A day to make poop jokes, "accidentally" overflow toilets, and shower unsuspecting mouths with the brown pudding that flows from societies collective anus. So "let no poop be left behind" if you waste your poop by simply flushing it down the toilet on this joyous occasion shame on you. Poop on a floor, smear it on the wall get creative!
If your unsure what to do with you droppings, find the nearest SNL member and force them to eat it. Allow them a tasty beverage to wash that poop down. God bless, and let there be a poop rainbow to show that we will never again drown our poop in water.

Wilford Brimley

A Haiku By Jeffrey

Give me your oatmeal

Smear insulin in my ass

Gay if the balls touch

By Jeffrey

As a few of you might have picked up from my last few articles , I am a dick.

Being a dick may not seem like something you would like to strive for in life , the reason for this is because you are too fucking stupid to be a dick.

Here are a few tricks that I've picked up whilst being a dick for the last 10 to 20 years.

1. Never Forget Anything.

Remember that time your friend fucked a fat chick? How about that time your cousin tried to cut off his own dick with a butter knife? No?? Well I sure the fuck do and will be sure to mention it at the most inopportune time that you can possibly imagine , during the awkward silence that inevitably happens after I tell your new girlfriend that you shit all over an elementary school playground slide on purpose when you were 16 , I will picture myself riding a horse over your grave and kicking its stomach until it shits all over your tombstone.

2. Subtle Insults. aka the "Does baby Jeff want to go home" step.

This one shouldn't be used on anyone that you know who gives horrible beatings.

The first step to this one is finding out what annoys the victim.

The second step is nonchalantly employing this annoying behavior every five to ten minutes until everyone in the room wonders what the fuck the other person is getting so pissed about.

The third step is to play the victim and act like you have no clue whats going on while garnering sympathy from your fellow empathizing comrades.

The fourth step is jacking off vigorously while thinking about a recent earthquake that killed thousands in India.

3. Make people feel bad about fairly normal human things.
The Christians fucking rule at this one.

Anything that you pretty much know is normal but slightly odd human behavior can be bent and twisted to make insecure people feel like shit.Holy shit dude , you tried to suck your own dick before?? Fucking sick dude , you're probably gay.What the hell? you let a chick mess with your butthole? Goddamn dude , you're seriously fucking gay.Did you just say that chick had a cute face?? Really though , "cute face"? Jesus Christ are you fucking serious with this cute face shit?

These three steps should put you on the one-way train to Dicktown , once you get there you can spend months and years learning how to manipulate and shit all over people with almost no consequences!

God speed you miserable fuckers!

Bonus Anti-Dick advice:
Stop Fucking Caring.
No reaction is dick kryptonite , seriously.

www.funnybrew.com

Buckin Yum: Term used to describe the deliciousness of either an intangible item, or an item that is not usually considered edible.

Example: Remember when I pinched your dogs nipple so hard it passed out? That was buckin yum dude, buckin yum.

5.) Buy a bunch of roses and make a trail of rose petals into your fist.



4.) Have sex with a family member of your unwanted lover... If he or she has no family, have sex with a member of your own family. That should also do the trick.



3.) Use those wonderful three words: "I have AIDS."



2.) Ask him or her to borrow about $1,000... tell them you want to buy them something nice for Valentines Day, but just don't have the money right now.



1.) Make lots of poop jokes, if this doesn't work start using your feces as a prop for the poop jokes.

DumbHead:  The meaning of this word is pretty obvious...  someone who has dog excrement where there brains should be.



There is a homework assignment with this Fwod: try to actually anger someone by calling them a dumbhead in the next week. If you can do this I want to hear the story of how it happened!

-Don
Is it just me or are bat's (the animal) really creepy? I've had way too many encounters with these things and must say they are about the creepiest animal ever. Flying mice... REALLY cool evolution! What the fuck is next? Flying bears... you assholes that are laughing now won't be when a bear paws your fucking face off in midair.
www.funnybrew.com

The drive-thru titties.

-Don



Next time you go to, ooooh, lets say Arby's and order some food start with the normal routine, most drive-thru stunts are pulled off over the radio, but this needs to be done face to face... So get your goods ordered up, get to the window, examine your subject (this will only work on a big guy)... while you qualify your subject for this trick ,pay for your food, and most importantly get your food. Now assuming that said subject is a big fat guy before thank you's can be exchanged you need to keep eye contact and say politely "Hey man, I like your tits." exchange pleasantrys and get out of dodge. What the hell were you thinking?



Do's and Dont's:

Do: Have someone in the car with you while you attempt this stunt preferrably woman... mother or girlfriend is ideal so they can slap the shit out of you for ruining that man's day.
Don't: For christsakes never do this before you get your food. Who knows what kind of manmilk might get mixed in with your Arby's sauce.
Do: Wait around for a reaction. Most people won't react violently and if you don't get to see a reaction WTF is the point? Hopefully, however, the reaction is violent because chances are fatty can take your scrawny ass if he catches you... and you deserve it anyway you prick.

Enjoy!

Funnybrew.com

MFCSSOB: just a fancy abbreviation for motherfuckingcocksuckingsonofabitch... pronounced miffcsob, this word is especially useful in situations where you wouldn't want to swear. For example: when you're beating your child.

The world of wonderful driving.
by Don

I'm driving down the freeway the other day when I'm cut off by someone who's mouth is very much like a pussy. Rather than just utter vulgarity's like a smarter person might I take both hands of the wheel and applaud there awful driving. I place both hands on the wheel and begin to wonder to myself who's dumber the guy not using the blinker, or the guy who takes both hands of the wheel to applaud that moron?

www.funnybrew.com

Miscarriage
A Haiku By Jeffrey

Is this bloody poop?

It brings out the kid in you

raspberry birthday shake

By Jeffrey

I'd like to start this article out by saying that I'm a big fan of stereotypes , without stereotypes I wouldn't be able to call a man with a horrible speech impediment a faggot behind his back.

The way I see it stereotypes exist for a reason , I myself am part french and part native American , needless to say I'm a raging alcoholic who smells fucking horrible and showers twice a month.

Stereotypes to me are pretty much the biggest reason to learn about history , what could be a better way to flaunt your knowledge of history than to say something vaguely insulting to someone who may or may not take offense and beat you into a coma!

Using stereotypes in a comedic way around people you don't know can be a tricky business , here are a few example of good and bad times to use stereotypes for comedy around strangers:

1) Saying "Heh , woman drivers"

Acceptable: when you notice a woman driving 10mph below speed limit.
Unacceptable: when a woman is forcibly ejected from her car in a head-on collision.

2)Saying "Just like the Irish"

Acceptable:When an Irish friend drinks too much whiskey and starts a bar fight.
Unacceptable: When an Irish friend dies cold and alone in an empty potato field.

3) Calling a friend a "fag"

Acceptable: When a friend tells you he got a Brazilian wax so his girlfriend will give him rim jobs.
Unacceptable:When a friend tells you he has AIDS.

I would like to say in all honesty that stereotypes in this day and age hold almost no power over the common man , but this would be a filthy Mexican lie.

In conclusion , a world without stereotypes would be like a Jew who doesn't dive into a pile of gold coins every morning like Scrooge McDuck , fucking boring.

pleftovers: Similar to leftovers, however this word is only used to describe what is left in the toilet after:  (a) Somebody forgets to flush (b) There are sweet ass skid marks on the toilet,  or (c) The toilet simply could not handle what was throne (get it?) it's way.

(above photo is what Jeff would look like if his bod were as sexy as his mind, or something)



Shame Day



A Haiku by Jeffrey

Woke up in my shit

covered in ashes and beer

why do I have wood



A Fun trick

You ever do something extremely nice for someone... just to have it spark some negative feelings? God that's a bitch. Conversely have you ever started shadowboxing when you were really stoned just to find out you can't stop shadowboxing? God that's a funny bitch... especially on camera. (check out stoned video on other funny stuff) PS if the man is checking this out... this was like ten years ago.



Fwod for today 01-12-08

Baroo: The sound of celebration from a Minnesota Vikings fan. (similar to the sound of the Vikings horn)

-example sentence: "That's a barooing first down ya barrooing piece of dog baroo!"

We've all heard of Eskimo kisses, well The Nose Kiss is an improvement to what's been done for years. Alright, so here's the process:
Step one: Find an unsuspecting friend.
Step two: Splash a small amount of liquid on your nose.
Step three: Press you nose against said unsuspecting friend while making a kissing sound.
Step four: Watch there discomfort. It can be pretty humorous as it feels much like the real deal.

Disclaimers: We're not responsible for pissed off friends, or actions resulting from The Nose Kiss.

...I've been told this doesn't differ much from an actual kiss, however, It's all in the head.

Just a couple fake word(s) of the day

Fwod: A word that was made up and posted on www.funnybrew.com

-example sentence: I just shot my fwod all over her face.

Earballs: Eyeballs that have recently been dipped in a fresh batch of earwax.

-alternate meaning: an apple that has recently been pooped on.


-Funnybrew.com